It’s clear I’ve missed my calling.
Callings, actually. I’ve missed quite a few. There’re at least a hundred things I know I could do brilliantly – like the dude in the buckets that go up to fix electrical things in the sky. Or an antique shop cashier. Or that guy who stands at the DMZ in North Korea, saying “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!” to the guy on the other side all day long. Who finally shoots him for being annoying, which displeases the dear leader. And then a nuclear war breaks out. See? Or someone who just makes movies about things like that Mitty-esque fantasy I lured you into just now. In fact, that arguably might have been my favorite alternate option to the life I’m currently living: filmmaker.
No, hear me out. I mean, I’ve got some winners I’ve already pitched to one of my buddies:
Pitch 1: Okay, so it’s Jamie Foxx playing the cast of every plastic in Mean Girls. Every one of them, in different wigs. Eddie Murphy a la Nutty Professor style. While saying things like, “Stop trying to bring back ‘two snaps in a circle’, LaQueefa. It’s NOT going to come back.” (and then we pan to the table of the lunch room where Wayans and David Alan Grier are sat, throwing shade.) Then, we can have Foxx pull his Tarantino Django role (already reclaimed in Seth F’s A Million Ways to Die In the West) when one of the girls says something racist.
*Insert racist, relevant-to-current-affairs comment here*
(The fun part being when he pulls off his wig, puts on a cowboy hat concealed under the table, and shoots her unexpectedly. In the face.)
Pitch 2: We remake “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”. Exactly the same as it is. But with an alternate ending that only slightly copycats another T.V. show that has a special place in my heart.
And then Audrey’s countenance clouds over with darkness.
She whispers, “LIAR”…
…and:
and…
…and – oh. That’s it?
I’m already in trouble for sharing Hollywood gore?
Mmkay. Moving on.
Pitch 3: I’m hearing Tinder’s had its “15 Minutes of Fame” which is now wearing thin. As Tinder’s a hookup one-night-stand style app and “15 minutes” was a term coined by Andy Warhol who made reality-films, why not combine the two? I’m thinking something in the vein of “Girls Gone Wild”. But we could call it “Whoreholites of Tinder” Naturally, it’d feature a bunch of homemade cringe-worthy Tinder induced intimate amateur rendezvouses that last about 15 minutes apiece.
A generous estimate.
These are all great ideas. You don’t have to confirm it for me. I know.
But if I’m off making great films – covering Uma Thurman in dirt, blood, and cocaine…
…who will write these majestic daily masterpieces for you?