A video of sex happening? On youtube? Inside a body scanner?

I dunno what I was expecting from this “how life looks like inside an MRI machine”.

In my mind’s eye, I suppose, it was meant to be something like this:

Because anytime I imagine coitus plus anything technology, Bjork’s sex bots mechanically fondling one another is going to be the first thing that bubbles to the surface from my subconscious well of every related topic and trend to which I’ve been exposed over the past three decades. Obviously. And why wouldn’t it? If you watched Beavis and Butthead at all during the 90’s, you can’t tell me that music video doesn’t win the blue ribbon of brain race connections when you hear “sex robot”. Every damned time.

In application, however, it’s a lot… more…

It’s…

It’s not the same.

Aside from the hairlessness and human body shapes, there’s no comparison when you’re missing the robotic and mechanical component of the non-sentient fornicators above. All the awkwardness of human micromovements and involuntary bodily reactions remain the same as they are when you add flesh – and look far worse when we can see these functions uncovered in all their glory.

There’s the human tongue – moving spastically during speech like a slug after a salt shower.

A heart – racing during a kiss, as the partner’s cardiac rhythm sadly remains unchanged.

Then, the one you’ve been waiting for:

A scanned phallus.

Stabbing tirelessly away into the cavity of a female.

With all the grace of Scream’s Ghostface blindly waving his knife through a door at Sydney.


(Hah! Bastards. I told you I’d get away with porn on here before I died!)

That last one looked far more violent and painful at the mechanical level than I recall it ever consensually feeling during my former years of avid research in the field. Why? Is it because without all the blanketing layers of meat cushion, it looks super sensitive? Yeah. I’m going with that. For now.

So, I’ve saved the rest of the video for the end of my assessment.

Because I feel like you should not take watching this minute and a half piece lightly. Some say pornography or snuff films will ruin you forever – but I say this will be worse. Because we only have sex or murder people sometimes – but we do things like talk and play the French horn all day long. All’s I’m saying is that it’s a good damned thing I can’t see what’s going on inside the bodies of people I interact with on a daily basis. Imagine knowing your lover’s so bored with you that their heart doesn’t quicken at your kiss? Or they’re fake laughing at my hilarious jokes? (#farworse) Or how ugly people really are on the inside when you’re trying your hardest to be normal and fall in love with one of them?

“Don’t touch me with that hairless caterpillar living inside of your mouth hole!”

And without further blabbing, here’s 82 seconds of your life you’ll never get back: