I hesitate to use “celebrity” and “news” in the same sentence.
But as my social media feeds slowly become inundated with stories and snapshots of things I never asked to see in the first place, I can’t help but feel bewildered about a few things that make the entirety of reality feel like it’s unraveling. Thus, I’m sharing a few pop-dates with you this week. (pop updates). It’s like pop culture popcorn for your gluttonous dying soul who can’t handle reality anymore and thus has to focus on Hollywood news instead.
Enjoy.
1. “THE INTERVIEW” GOT SCRAPPED
And it won’t be released ’cause Un’s acting like a third grader.
Yep. He threw a tantrum about being poked fun at, hired some hackers to invade Sony, and now I don’t get to see the only movie I was looking forward to seeing since “Dark Knight”. No comparison, obv. Just a fact. More on this in an upcoming blog rant.
2. BRITNEY HAD A HEAD TRANSPLANT
Keep one of the eyes in your head out for the entire pop queen’s head.
And the first place we might wanna check is on Heidi Klum’s neck. I’m going to ask this question slowly and seriously: did she get a nose job? I ask this with zero passive aggressive judgment because – I want to hack her files if she did and find out exactly who her surgeon was and starve saving money till I can afford a Klum sniffer too. Alas, even ten years of that’d probably only buy me half a nasal nip tuck. Thus, I’m just as open to next best thing: the optical illusion make up provides. Which I tend to think is what B. did too. Seriously, I’m down for either. Time for me to hire the Dear Leader’s hack team to help me hunt down her surgery and Sephora beauty elves. That way I can look nothing like myself every day for the rest of my life, too.
Wait.. I’m getting an update in from corporate… And…
Yep.
It’s contour and photoshop.
Heh.
Nobody saw that one coming. #sarcashtag
3. JOLIE BIRTHED A DUDE VERSION OF HERSELF AT SOME POINT IN HER EGG LAYING CAREER
If it weren’t for the eye and hair color, I’d have to wonder if Brad (or anyone else at all) contributed to the co-creation of this kid.
4. THIS GUY WAS BORN ONCE
And he still exists. And celebrated that recently.
And I celebrated all those things plus this picture of him.
Probably more than I should have.
5. K-MID GIVES EPIC SHADE FACE
Homegirl’s just doing this Christmas event and pausing to smile for pictures for adoring fans when the attendant next to her tells her to “keep wrapping gifts”. She complies, but not before issuing this fantastic wide-eyed side glance that’s always been a favorite of mine. Seeing this chick do it just warmed my heart though because I feel like it’s the classier version of the eyeroll. She’s meeting her commoner roots and princess-y role halfway. And with a single look, she’s won my newfound respect for royalty. Actually a first found respect. And it doesn’t even come from anyone who shares the family bloodline.
That’s all for today.
Keep tuned, though.
If I’m feeling dumb enough in the coming weeks, I may make these pop-dates a series.