Remember that time Jesus turned water into alcohol?
Me neither. But I hear it was pretty cool. I mean, the people who actually saw the Copperfield Cabernet action were impressed enough to scrawl it down in every language. And if you’re an attention seeker like me and desire that sort’ve adulation, you can do it too…
…with the help of Palcohol.
Palcohol is a fun innovation Bacchanalian-ventor Mark Phillips came up with after thinking something like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if alcohol came in powdered form?”
The answer is: Yes. Yes it would be cool. In theory anyway.
So far, six flavors of the stuff are available; rum, vodka, cosmopolitan, mojito, margarita, and lemon drop can be easily slipped into your beverage of choice (be it water, soda, juice, etc.).
A Darwin award.
And while they say to add a powder pack to five ounces of water, somehow I prognosticate that people desperate enough to get soused surreptitiously will desire a higher molarity for their mojito.
Indeed, furtive intoxication is the appeal of Palcohol. From airplanes and concerts (where spirits are reduced to doll toy proportions) to church (where the dude in a robe Bogarts the booze and makes you gaze on in envy as he guzzles from a goblet), the powdered EtOH is the ideal workaround.
Naturally, the people who own the establishments pushing Pinot at $12 a glass (cut to sideways glance and smirk at every booby ‘n booty club I’ve ever patronized) aren’t a fan of this idea. Likewise, locales like movie theaters don’t need any drama beyond the silverscreen’s Platonic Hollywood puppet show. Joker wannabe and his movie massacre were bad enough. So was the dude who suddenly decided the only logical way to deal with someone text messaging during the previews was with a firearm.
For those who wanna use it in church though, I totes have your back. Especially the church I left long ago because it was too effing stuffy. Get some Ethanolly Spirit up in them folk and you’ll see me there this Sunday, genuflecting and taking notes.
As for the junkies who grow a supernova glow at the words “powdered drug”, I wouldn’t suggest insufflation. I mean, you can, but it’s gonna burn because they added a buncha junk to it.
But (and sorry to burst your champagne bubble) nobody needs to worry about inconspicuous intoxication just yet. In a random turn of events, the product got green lit when it wasn’t meant to be. Even Phillips himself was shocked. Yesterday, they admitted that it’s not approved – that it was an “error”.
Yeah right.
We all know you slipped Palc in their cappuccinos on decision day, Mark.