So, a Montana legislator wants to ban “indecent clothing”.
In this sarcastically quoted genre is included yoga pants, speedos and anything that shows outlines of your body bits.
Specifically, Rep. David Moore proposed a bill to make illegal any “indecent exposure of a person’s private parts or simulated private parts [lolwut?] in a public place in such a way that a reasonable person would be offended or alarmed.” The penalty? Up to $500 fine and/or six months (yes, half an effing year) of imprisonment. Mmmkkay, so how’s an indecent-exposer defined again? Anyone who “knowingly or purposely exposes the person’s genitals” to “cause affront or alarm” with the intent of abusing, humiliating, harassing or degrading another or to “arouse or gratify the person’s own sexual response or desire or the sexual response or desire of any person.”
Right. The problem with that, buddy is this:
When I’m rocking my peace-pose clothes, I may be “setting intentions” – but I can guarantee that zero point zero of ‘em are about you pitching a spontaneous trouser tent. Illegalization of flowy duds and dubbing them “indecent exposure” is dumb for a plethora of reasons – but we’ll go with two biggies. First, it just breeds more desire and perverts something natural like sex parts (duh, we come outta the factory with them) to the point where people who’ve kept the lid on all their lives suddenly blow up one day, drive to the nearest farm, and start sodomizing the swine with crucifix dildos. Secondly, when you try to illegalize something natural like body parts, the wording gets tricky and vague. For example, when you define my “exposure” and define it by saying it happens when it is in a way “to cause affront or alarm” or “to arouse or gratify”, that “to” is loaded two lettered terminology – ’cause it means you’re making a pretty big assumption about what’s happening in the privacy of my skull. How do you know what I was aiming to arouse? Only thing I wanna arouse is kundalini, muhfuggah. I have friends with huge tits and Brazilian asses that – even in a circus tent – would launch more erections than Helen of Troy launched ships. So how do you know what they’re aiming for? Wait, are you telepathic? Nah… as homie says himself when asked how this law’d possibly be enforced: “I don’t have a crystal ball.” And that’s too bad – because I’m pretty sure you could land a much better paying gig than whatevz they’re paying you to be an Amish bigot if you did.
“Wait – how is he being a bigot?” you might ask.
And I’m glad you did!
Because there’s this really fun point he touched on while proposing this bill. And the article I read about this in conveniently let it slide by like Bikram sweat through the thong you might’s well’ve not even wore without pausing to acknowledging or lambast it. Not here in MAPSland. We’re gonna drag it into the public square, strip off its Lululemons, and give it a good arse lashing. Are you ready for it? Here it goes:
“Moore himself told the Associated Press that tight-fitting beige clothing could be considered illegal under HB 365.”
Right.
No need to acknowledge golden, amber, brown, oompa loompa, or just not-white-anese in general.
He’d probably’d just have this bill put ’em in jail anyway.
Ya know, for not being “beige”.
I’m sure this guy’s just a bit lost and confused and taking his personal sexually repressed proclivities out on the rest of the world. Trying to control other people sometimes makes us feel like we have power over our own defects. For example, I’d be lying if I said my personal fear of getting fat (coupled with my capacity to get intoxicated on power when lent even just a little) wouldn’t at least induce a partial desire for me to act on my own yoga pants discrimination were I a politician. Specifically – my soul’s dark corners are all ready to issue a “size requirement”. And only one’a these girls below would not go to jail under the hypothetical bill constructed by my superficial, Hilterian, abhorrent shadow self that dwells deep in the fetid recesses of my false belief system I try to ignore:
(That’s a $6,000 fine from 12 of you… which I’ll pay to ponytail girl in the top middle.)
Thank goodness this politician’s bill failed.
And thank goodness someone like me’s not in charge either…