Any time I find anything I enjoy, I have to ruin it for myself.
Some call this a “self sabotage” tendency.That might be right. But I prefer to see it as the radioactively glowing trophy you’re awarded for making your career a creative one. Part of having to do anything creative is being willing to pick shit apart. The unfortunate side effect is that – when you do this for most of the day – it becomes practiced enough that you start subconsciously doing it with everything. Even when you don’t want to. Especially when you don’t want to. Take that six-song country mashup I found the other day and blogged about, for instance. I’d always hated country music. I hated it when I was little. I hated it when I was in high school and it was the price I had to pay for riding in a car with the only friends who had licenses yet (I made new friends. Fast.) And, finally, I hated it less in college when I met friends and made happy memories to it. (Association’s everything #clockworkorangelessons).
In said blog, I wondered if the combo of six similar songs made me like it better than each alone.
So, I picked the six apart by listening to (and in so doing watching) the youtube videos.
Before we begin, I’ll say this: there’s always two reviewers in me. One’s the nice Pollyanna one “Isn’t this sweet? He’s singing a love song and it’s all in a soft cinematic glow and sweet and there’s dancing and-…” And then the other: “That reminds me of sex! Murder! Doing lines of god knows what off of the nether bits of whoever’s supplying it in the superposh V.I.P style privacy of a toilet service stall!”
So, ya know, let’s see who wins as we review each’a these six separately:
“Sure Be Cool If You Did”- Blake Shelton
I’ve watched some of his other videos.
They’re all sweet and stuff, but he looks like being alive is painful for him. Physically. Might be the firewater that makes a debut in every one of his videos – well the one’s I’ve seen. (Okay two. I only watched two. Can we move on?) Like the lemonade shooter he hopes the girl will drink till her inhibitions are lowered. And much like that shot, I feel like I’ve been shot with a watered down movie line gone memetic here.
You know the one – the MattMac Dazed and Confused character’s “It’d be a lot cooooler if you deeeiiiiid” is obviously the first thing that bubbles to the surface of my mind’s magma pool when I hear this title and the chorus. The other similarities help seal in that association too (they’re both country boys, they both seem to troll age groups a couple decades their junior) Of course you’ve gotta tweak it for a love song – can’t say “no pressure” one second and then “it’d be a lot cooler if you “got drunk and did a little bit of country song” with me in my Chevy the next. Which, incidentally might be the worst euphemism for making out I’ve ever heard. Or are we talking about screwing? Please be talking about screwing instead. Come on, if you’re expecting me to be getting drunk while you sing this, I need good and clear direction.
NEXT.
“Drunk on You”- Luke Bryan
Ayeyaiyai… where do I start with this?
The rap vibe attempt n’ fail? The story line I had to watch through my fingers because singers are cringeworthy at acting – “if not 100% then 99.9%” – of time? Rhyming “boom boom” and “mmm mmm”? Dear, boy – if that pretty little thing I’m looking at is adding atmospheric speaker-level onomatopoeia to the experience just by dancing on your truck bed, then we both have a serious case of Shallow Hal syndrome. And speaking of disorders, I’m thinking of Dahmer’s (really – when am I not?) when I hear “mmm-mmm” followed by “looking so good in what’s left of those blue jeans”. Tell me that the very first thing that came to your mind wasn’t Jeffrey chasing after a half-eaten cabana boy in tattered Levis with a meat cleaver? You know you were.
Any other answer and you’re just lying to yourself.
“Chillin’ It”- Cole Swindell
Ah, what a beautiful girl! Like a fresh breath of air!
Like a young Tiffani Amber Thiessen.
(Ya know. If her face wasn’t simultaneously as wide as my plasma screen and short as my shih-tzu.)
I bet this lovely lady’s daddy told her “let your smile be your makeup”. I bet she’s wisely lived by it ever since and smiles at everyone. I bet she also didn’t think it’d serve as fodder for a stalker in a pickup on a two lane country road. Now, bear with me. I don’t get out that often, so let’s be gentle and go slowly here: I appreciate the fact that I’ve been working from home a lot. So, I might be a touch outta touch with society. But… is this now an acceptable form of romantic pursuit? Am I the only one who’d be a bit nervous if a dude I issued the same smile everyone gets, about-faced in his truck and started following me down what looks like a low load o’ traffic road? This inquiry isn’t rhetorical. I’m emerging from self induced Shawshank here and your help is vital for me acclimating to real life. So, please answer. I need to know if this is how I’m meant to meet someone famous who plays guitar and has lots of money to share with me the love of my life.
“Close Your Eyes”- Parmalee
Why close my eyes? Is the “it” you’re laying on my lips something other than your lips?
HAH! Knew it. You’re trying to trick me into fellatio!
And I won’t fall for it this time. “Fool me six and a half times…” and all that, as they say…
Yeah, I’m onto you, Parm. Or is it Lee? Or Parma? Parmesan? (Three years off cheese and I still have a Pavlovian response even typing that word.) And speaking of cheese: this video. I admit, the montage of music and summer and sexy people appeals to me terribly. (Who doesn’t want the lovechild of SOA’s Jackson and Ethan Hawke luffin’ up on them?) But I just can’t help but imagine how everything came together on paper:
“Okay, we’re gonna do the innovation sammich here. (That’s kinda like a compliment sandwhich tactic every good boss you’ve ever had does: “You did thing A great. Fix thing B. Thing C was amazing and let’s see more of it.” except with creativity-stealing-creativity). So, let’s start by taking a song that’s so similar to five others that it sounds better in a mashup with them, turn you into a mashup too (of Chris Cornell, Walking Dead’s Rick Grimes, and a Crest Whitestrip commercial), and stick in a hot girl (um isn’t that the one from the music video I literally just watched up above? Did she come across this party randomly while trying to outrun Cole Whatsisname?). Wait. Wait. Wait… All we’ve got is bread in this innovation sammich. Ah, eff it. Like the saying goes, if it ain’t broke… I won’t be. Not after this hits the top of the charts, anyway!”
“This is How We Roll”- Florida Georgia Line
Mmmkay. I’m writing this section while I’ve paused the video.
I just…
I just needed a moment.
As some of you may know, I’m on a spiritual path. So I’m going to skip over pointing out that my pre-conceived stereotype about country singers and bad acting is proving to be dead on. Instead, I’mma be really careful with my words here. I’ll start with this: I would have probably really liked this song if I’d listened and not seen the music video 🙂 And I’m really happy for these boys. 🙂 And I’m really happy they got famous. 🙂
Because they’d get either 0 of these women or 0’s (on a scale to 1,005) otherwise.
I literally thought the long hair dude was gonna be black when I heard the mashedup version of this. I literally wish he had been. And I literally hope that when I un-pause this in a moment, that 18 wheeler takes one of those curvy turns a little too fast before the video ends. It’s literally the only thing that will make these four minutes of my life worth this forever lost time on my way to my funerary finish line. Not too much to hope, right? I mean the video starts with a vehicular accident. It should come full circle, no?
*2 minute update*:
It doesn’t.
“Ready, Set, Roll”- Chase Rice
Speak ‘n spell?
What a beautiful representation of all we’ve heard today! Plug a basic formula into the machine with customized lyrics and whatever gets shat out all has the same tone pretty much. You know, these songs didn’t go from love to love-hate for me until I saw the videos. But I saw the videos. And I suppose, of them, I hate this one the least. Self-aggrandizing concert footage aside, maybe it’s ’cause someone’s finally saying “fine ass” instead of “pretty self”. I mean I wish I were the eyelash batting romantic type, but the truth is that when you look into my eyes all sweet, I’m wondering what you’re like in bed. Doesn’t mean I’mma sleep with you. I’m just sayin’ I’m human. And it comes across my mind – right before I tell myself “Stop that, ya tart!” Am I really alone as a female in this visceral reaction? I feel like I’m not and everyone else is just lying. Either way, I don’t have time for these trivial games. Or stupid metaphors. Which is why I like his for forking better than Blake’s for Frenching: “You got my heart bum bumpin When I’m pulling up into your drive.” That’s good. Subtle and blunt simultaneously. Maybe you mean pulling into my actual driveway for a sweet date. Maybe you mean those first few moments of early coital bliss – beyond which there’s both the promise of sweet release and the feeling that anything’s possible. Even me taking less than an hour to get to that former thing.
Follow my orders like a real Speak ‘n Spell and it just might happen. But don’t count on it.
There’s my country love song to you.
Well, that was “shore ‘nuff” fun.
You know, I like all these country songs and stuff. They’re sweet, remind me of summer, blah, blah, yawn, drool, pass out, fall down, have concussion, die, play one at my wake. But the thing is (and I notice this especially as I delve into the Youtube comment section), I feel like the combo of the songs and the videos all cause a kinda longing or nostalgia or both in a lot of the listeners. It’s kinda sad. I can’t find the comment, but one that stood out was from a “single 40 year old mother of two” who kind of woe-is-me’d on the public forum about “I’m not a perfect 10 or 9.9 (song lyric, if you’ve been paying attention) anymore… I wonder if I’ll ever find love again…” I laughed (I know: mean) until I read on and realized she wasn’t kidding – or alone. What is this new genre I’ve stumbled onto? Have I made a huge mistake in being open minded to a sound I formerly loathed? ‘cause this is starting to feel like the audiovisual melodic version of “The NoteBook”.
And I’m kinda hoping I catch dotard disease like McAddams point geriatric had.
So I can forget I ever found it.