Am I watching science news here? Or an episode of Soul Pancake?
Recent research is claiming that when it comes to tasks like test preparation or deadline meeting, we may not be able to salvage that “too late” point between something like a professor’s announcement and exam – but what we can do is improve our chances of not setting a screw-yourself-over precedence for the future by eschewing self-flagellation. And subbing in some self-forgiveness.
I suppose I “get” the idea here. But what about people who don’t feel that badly about putting off the book-cracking? Back in college, I scored a lot of A’s and B’s on exams crammed for only the night before. Did I embalm my brain’s liquid with caffeine to accomplish it? Yes. But it almost became a kind of point of pride, being able to do that, after a while.
Until I graduated. And couldn’t remember shit from the classes I did that in. Mayhaps procrastination is just one reason so many college alums are dumb – it’s too easy to put off studying, pass the exam, long-term retain nada, and then decimate whatever trivial information you did keep with alcohol because you’re “blowing off steam”. From “working” so hard. To be fair, for me, I did a four year bio degree in two years. All my pansy philosophy and artsy classes were outta the way, so it was nada but Organic Chem, Physics, the corresponding labs, Genetics, Biotechnology, Pathogenics, and… you get the idea. It was like juggling chainsaws. You spend your semesters deciding which one you can afford to cut you. And you know that if you rest for a second, you’ll turn into a sanguine jelly within seconds.
The point of that drawn out anecdote is that there are different types of procrastination.
And thanks to hours of collegiate practice, multitasking has become my worst one.
What happens is that my brain tricks me.
It ends up re-prioritizing the “this can wait” stuff above the more pressing things without my permission. So, it doesn’t seem like I’m procrastinating – because I’m doing something productive. (And all procrastinators are lazy, right?) This bad habit is one that amplifies, too. Because even when I’m working on a given task (like this article) I start future-tripping on all the other ones I need to do. And chores. And errands. This neural spaghetti of non-focus on what’s in front of me can create stress, which can create avoidance, which leads me back to that same brand of procrastination – working on another task I’ll half-complete. Eventually I end up short circuiting and not even doing the productive procrastination. Instead, I’m looking at Asian dogs dressed like Harajuku girls while walking on two legs. And reading the comments. And adding my own. Then, I look at the clock, try to hop back on my work – knowing that I’m rapidly passing my peak performance time for work productivity. And the cycle starts over again (“1. Need to get gas. 2. Need to pay cable bill. 3. Need to put that mop back in the cl-… Oh wait. That’s my dog. 3. Need to cut Minnie’s hair… Tomorrow…“)
So what’s my solution to this vicious cycle?
For me, it’s multi-tiered.
And it goes with accepting and trying these following things:
SELF-FORGIVENESS, UNLIKE SELF-LOVE, IS CONDITIONAL. IT DEMANDS CHANGE.
Long-term, self-forgiveness works. Absolutely. But, for this bish here, I need more.
I’ve gotta delve deeper and get less airy-fairy about it for it to stick. First, I have to remember I’m forgiving myself contingent on the promise that I try my best to change. I say “try my best” because habits – bad or not – get stamped into our brains. That’s what makes them hard to change. So, we’ll probably screw up again a few times while we try. Still, my aim is to take every measure I can to prevent it. You forgive yourself because you realize “this is how I’m acting right now. It’s not who I am forever. It’s not a terminal diagnosis” Whether it’s alcoholism or overeating or putting shit off, you can’t change your tendency to want to give into habits you may’ve been doing your whole life. However, your task is to ignore that “want”. Why? Because you remember that indulging it has made and still makes you unhappy soon after.
First, you acknowledge that your habits caused this discontent.
Then you acknowledge new actions from you are how to replace them.
Simple fact. Hard as fckk to follow. But I heard some good advice once about dealing with the difficulty level of habit-breaking once. That advice was this: “So what?” Sounds rude or patronizing – but I’m not asking you. I’m asking you to ask you: So what if it’s hard? Will I bleed internally? Stop breathing? Go into organ failure?
Great as it is, this abstract concept of life-change falls short of fixing today.
SHORT TERM: WHAT DO YOU WANT IN LIFE? AND WANT TO AVOID?
What about this week?
That’s where some instantaneous self-brain hackery comes in. For instance, lately one quick catalyst that’s a ticket to the #workbitch express for me is as follows: Mapping my dual fear/inspiration motivation. “If I don’t do XYZ, I’ll lose my job maybe, and won’t have enough money to buy the silo of fruit I do weekly at Wegmans.” (A prospective fate worse than being immolated and then quarter-horsed). Boom. All bases covered. I love what I do, but work is work when you have other stuff penetrating your mind. Thus – the sudden thought about fear of no money coupled with the short term positive goal at the end of the finish line = I get another week worshipping at the church of produce aisle… if I work efficiently now.
What’s that? This week’s goals are still too “big picture” for you?
Then let’s hit the “enhance” function on this badboy.
EVEN SHORTER TERM: WHAT DO YOU WANT TODAY? AND WHEN? AND HOW?
Sometimes my myopic goggles need a cure yester-morning. Not next week.
When that’s the case, I’ve found a more tangible “today” attack route is best: A daily breakdown of what I want to accomplish. In list form. On a schedule. And written on my phone. The idea came to me the other day when I finally cracked, threw a tantrum (and some dishes), and shrieked into the empty air: “OH GOD. I’ve got to do this thing right now I don’t wanna do – so I can get to those other things I don’t wanna do.” That, I decided, wasn’t very good motivation to do anything aside from turning myself into a quilted cocoon in bed until next sunrise. Not even fruit could fix this. That wasn’t the answer. But neither was morphing into a goose down pupa. Mostly because I haven’t found a way to make a career outta that. Yet.
So, after quasi-collecting myself, I sat and made a schedule.
And I’ve done it most days since. I list things I hafta do for work, things I hafta do away from work, and things I hafta do for sanity – my small reward. It sounds ultra geeky, but when I make today’s to-do’s into a visual itinerary I can see – all nice and organized for my unorganized brain – the “don’t wanna” factor diminishes significantly. Because now I’ve outlined what I want. And in the back of my mind, I know as I work on Task A, I have Task Z happening later, so I can’t put off the now stuff. (Probably why I’m so much more productive on deadline day than any other workday) Thus, I set my goals (work, appointments, hiking, rafting off a hundred foot waterfall…) Then, I make the most important ones happening after work be my day’s main event. And if that event doesn’t tickle the testicles of your soul, then add something you look forward to on there too. The trick is to not let yourself have the reward till you get the other stuff done. (I try to make the sequence be work, non-work, reward. Probably why I used to drink so much at night.) Finally, map out exact times you’re gonna get each thing done. I’ve found that even if I don’t follow the timing perfectly, I get all the non time-sensitive tasks done efficiently so I can meet the demands of the time-sensitive ones.
MAKE PEOPLE PART OF YOUR LIST
With your to-do’s written down and scheduled, at least one of those items will be the one thing subconsciously that’s prodding you to get everything else done. And if you work at home and live alone like I do, try to make at least one of these goals involve an actual person placing an expectation on you to show up – whether it’s a “dinner thing” or a medical appointment you’ll get charged for if you don’t come. If you’re being held accountable by a human being to show up, you probably will. And it’ll probably be with a heap of completed work off your finally quieted mind.
I can’t say why any of this this works. But first-half guess is that painting a list-picture for my daily duty fairytale helps. My second-half guess is that connecting one task to another in an orderly form is how my brain train hops track off the bad habits and takes a replacement railroad detour: “Initiating organized productivity mode… Please keep your hands and attention inside of the car”.
So, in the end self-forgiveness is a good tactic – for when I fail at life tomorrow.
But if I’m waiting for tomorrow’s failure to fix today’s procrastination problem…
Then isn’t my solution part of my problem?