Miss Ashley Pants

“Should’ve been a cheearleader…”

“Shouldn’t’ve ever worn the atomic bomb abomination that were Gap parachute pants…”

Nostaligia and regret go hand in hand when I reflect on my childhood and teen years. And today, as I sweep through the interactive plate of social-net spaghetti with my brain fork, I’ve come across a few worthy meat balls to add to this remorse list regarding my formative years. I’m sure this list’ll get longer the older I get (and more time I spend online as my faculties begin to totally fail me), but for now, I present you with today’s trifecta of regret.

I should’ve:

1. Joined band

To be fair, this is actually George Mason University. But had I heard a bit o’ Tool, Nirvana, or this epic rendition of Rage Against the Machine’s “Bulls on Parade” back in pre-college, I’d have traded my kneepads and volleyball in for some brass headbanging the moment I learned that was a thing. (Sidenote: you know that director dude feels like a badass rock star, all stood at the front and singing and stuff. That is him singing, right?)

2. Stuck it to the man

What better way to say “F YOU I WON’T DO WHATCHYA TELL MEH!” than while getting chastised?

In 2nd grade?

Wish I had.

Ugh… I can still see Mrs. (or.. Miss? Did anyone actually ever wed that evil hag?) – we’ll just go with “Ballard” for now – upsetting my study desk, turning it inside out, and showing the class what a messy little seven year old skank I was. Because, surely, someone who shoves papers in willy nilly and sans order is deserving of a public execution. (And if you think I’m being melodramatic – right in the middle of her fury, she revolved her head around like a war weapon before firing out at the portly chortling chubbo – Eric Higgenbottom – “You’re next…”)

She had fingernail length curls – and my overall memory was of her was like if Freddy Krueger took off his hat and revealed he was wearing curlers underneath. She had a face that belonged on the lovechild of a Garbage Pail Kid, Cabbage Patch Kid, and the burnt weirdo in that Silence of The Lambs prequel. But – above all – she had a frail frame. One that would’ve gone down like a toddler learning to walk when I punted her in the punani with one kick and then dislocated her hip with the next. Speaking of next, let’s go to the next video. I’m getting inappropriately excited about this retrospective fantasy…

3. Been more outspoken far earlier

After he grows about forty feet taller and goes bald, this kid’s totes gonna be the next Dr. Phil.

Simple, clear, I-got-the-answer, no B.S., no grey areas, no-your-opinion-doesn’t-matter advice. I should’ve taken tips from those around me doing this sooner on my chronological timeline. As the youngest, I did what a lot of sheltered, in-the-shadows little kids (and many big 30 plus year old kids, too) do: think a lot of great things and say almost none of them out loud. Until I hit middle school. I feel like if I’d started my loud mouthery earlier, I could have been even cooler than I am, gotten my way, and had my little moment in the pom pom squad. What brilliance was lost to the silent gutters of my grey matter in those precious early years?

We may never know.

But that’s why I’m here for you now – sharing yet another brilliant new series: “Shiz I should’ve done”

(Let’s see if I actually commit to this one).