I once shared how the “Bad Touch Bears” ruined my childhood.
(It was like this, except pre-recorded and more horrifying.
And my face was exactly like Tweak’s.)
It was bad enough in its irony. The moment these furry Winnie The Pooh-esque creatures graced the screen of my first grade classroom T.V. set, I was reminded of my favorite honey-philiac and his gangly human pal. Even the static speckled screen created that cozy familiar atmosphere I’d come to associate with home VHS tapes wearing thin after my endless, cyclic revisiting of every classic from Looney Tunes to The Little Mermaid. Everything about the tone Mrs. Lueders had set was comforting to my tiny six year old psyche. I felt safe. This was fun. I loved movie day.
Then the bears started touching eachothers’ cocks.
This was especially troublesome for a few reasons. There’s the obvious system shock of “not your typical Barney and friends” after the atmosphere had been set for exactly that – only to troll-guide my sanity off a rocky cliff at the last second. Then, the next layer of mindfluck came via the fact that these creatures had no sex organs. Yet, they were pants-lessly pantomiming anyway. I’ve just gotten over accepting this ain’t Teddy Ruxpin and he’s def not here to delight me. Now I have to envisage vaginas and bear balls when I’ve only been alive for one more year than there are fingers on my hand? That’s not enough time! It’s insufficient experience to draw on! I need more time! Wait – what would an actual panda vaj even look like? Is it pink? Or yellow? (because China?) Furry?
You know, they’d have done far better to just give us the real thing.
Instead of this troll level: trauma we all got instead.
For instance, this panda, snacking and masturbating simultaneously – would’ve been great.
(Asians always have been better at managing multiple tasks.)
As ever, I can’t not comment on this priceless piece of jungle voyeurism:
1. Personally, I prefer to save my bamboo for after solo sexy time. (But I’m open minded. In a way, the Nine And A Half Weeks style combo isn’t a bad idea for us busy single folk. I may even adopt this whole ‘bate ‘n bite thing myself. #whynot?).
2. I like how in the actual video, they edit out Cum Fu panda’s big finale in favor for some other footage (Of leaves? At night?) Gives it a kinda artsty feel. Or at least it would if not for that music that sounds like the intro to a movie you’d have gone to the theater to see with your family as a kid. Probably starring Bill Pullman or Robin Williams.
3. Waaait a second. THIS is why these motherfluffers won’t mate or eat in captivity. We idiots thought they were just depressed. Really, it’s just that their appetites are getting satiated and their swimmers are all getting expelled during these auto erotic snack excursions. And then they go back to the reservation to sleep it off before another long day of the same. I’d judge, but I’m really just jealous.
Yes, had they shown us this instead, we wouldn’t have had to suddenly feel like dirty little whores whenever mom popped in Fraggle Rock. Or waiting for our favorite puppets to break out into a non-consensual porn the moment she left for the kitchen – like some awful opposite of the way magic happened whenever Nanny’s stripe-hosed leggings departed the Muppet babies’ playroom.
Also, IRL panda could’a taught us about multitasking with this dine ‘n diddle move.
That would’ve really been a time saver in my younger years.
And by younger years, I mean now.