Some people just aren’t bout that crime life.

Usually, these people are the ones who aren’t very good at it. Like some New York Taco Bell supervisors who tried to think outside the funny money formula of the crooks who’d come before them… and failed miserably. And when they got caught, it was by their own 17-year-old employee who knew the difference between real money and Monopoly money and wanted no part of the game.

But wait, the fun’s in the details.

Let’s start with the quality. Instead of taking the time to go to Best Buy and get the new Mafia Money Copier 2000 (they keep it in the spesh room in the back where Christopher Walken and Adam Sandler hang out and there’s a wormhole to Bed Bath and Beyond – ridiculous since it’s right across the street), they pumped out their faux finances with some old school potato equivalent.

And for whom does the Taco Bell toll? Like Hemingway’s novel – everyone.

Well… everyone paid cash at that Manhattan locale.

‘cause after a cheap Xerox sesh, they slipped queer cash into the register, and told employees:

“Ohhhh… You must have stupidly accepted it from a customer! Welp, you can either try and pawn it off on other unassuming patrons or you can replace them as punishment for you grave stupidity of having accepted them in the first place.”
–Paraphrased speculative non-direct-quote, compliments of MissAshleyPants.com

And while I’m still wondering if “queer cash” is a hate crime terminology, I needn’t worry, because the only ones who got effed in the end (#zing) were these counterfeiters. The teenager wasn’t having it – so as a last ditch effort, the supervisors dressed up as (wait for it…) NYPD and told her they were undercover funny money fuzz. And that she would be arrested if she didn’t keep doling out the bogus bills.

Wow. Bravo for commitment?

In the spirit of fast food comparisons – is it just me, or is this starting to sound like a convoluted Aqua Teen episode that evolves when Master Shake starts with one unbelievable lie and subsequently goes to the ends of the earth protecting it and his ego, just to pull one over on his wad of meat roommate? Who keeps reaching when such an egregiously constructed fib is about to get them caught? They should have made their final act be: “Dude, you’re right – those are fake! Who would do this to us?!” and exit the stage when they kid first caught on. Not a mid-play improvisational costume change.

But I like to try and help the less intellectual.

Which is why I’m willing to revamp your plan.

Get a pen and take notes. ’cause here’s what you say next time:

1.“You’re right, AJ! Those are fake, give them to us to take to the police!” (then put them back in the drawer later.)

2. “Come on, man. This is your second warning – WE found fake bills in the drawer AGAIN this morning. Be more carfeul. This could totally fall back on us.”
(collect bills – put back in the drawer again)

3. (During a serious pull-employee-into-your-office-and-don-a-solemn-expression-business-meeting): “AJ, what’s going on here? I hate to ask for a piss test from you, but… what’s happening? Is it something at home making you overlook the authenticity of the change you’re taking from customers? What can I – as a legitimate, hard working, honest to goodness employer – do to help you? Help me help YOU.”

(Take money. Put it back in the drawer again. Now, this part’s important: Wait for brain rape to either take effect whereupon the kid voluntarily gives it away or replaces it with his own income out of false shame. Or if HE brings it up again, the following):

4. “I’m glad you were honest in bringing these to me, buddy. But I’ve got a business to run here before I go home and weigh out bags of cocaine to sling over at the Pussy Liquor. So we’re going to have to let you go for not being more careful. The good news is we’ll be happy to give you an awesome recommendation, but maybe you just need… ugh, how do we say this… more experience. No, no, don’t be sad. You’re young yet and you’re a great person. Also, we promise not to tell Wendy’s about your lack of attention to detail when they call for a reference. MmmkayBubye now.”

5. Hire someone dumber.

I mean, is it that hard for a group of supervisors to come up with that thing I just did alone now?

Or did I just miss my criminal calling?

What context am I missing?

It’s interesting to me, this story, because I can’t help but be reminded of the counterfeit tale I covered several months back – about the dude who turned himself in. And when I reflect on that story, I can’t help but wonder – why do people who are really good at crookery retire early when people like this who suck so much at it keep pouring their terrible ideas all over it like diarrhea inducing queso toppings? Is it that the talented ones are so proud of themselves for being so good at it that they want people to know? Like, they want validation? Even if it’s made of metal bars and cement? I dunno. What I do know is this:

If your crime scheme burritos are covered in uninspired nacho cheese ideas…

…then wise guy style crime’s “nacho” forte, my dude.

But that’s why you took this job, in the first place, no?

Sidenote: Although a law suit’s happening, apparently the f’real cops have not made any arrests after the kid didn’t fall for what I’ve been envisaging as a bad Reno 911 impression from Taco Bell. Dude – what if the cops ARE really in on it? Surely they’d provide better bills to circulate from evidence or something?)