Winter has never been my favorite.
Having lived in a region with seasonal changes four times a year, you’d think I would have gotten used to the ephemeral nature of warm, beautiful, summer by now. Alas, the Hawaiian half of me is so strong that a yearly freeze will always be my kryptonite. This year, being my second winter sans firewatwer or pills to numb the hatred of not-warm weather, I opted to battle my seasonal enemy in a slightly different way: via outlook tweak. I’m not gonna lie: it hasn’t been easy and it will definitely take more than a few more winters before I even come close to having a modicum of serenity about this unnecessary departure from 70 degrees and above weather. However, I have found a few silver linings – both prospective and presently so I can appreciate this otherwise inimical period.
For example, let’s all take a moment to thank glob that there are fewer snakes and spiders when it’s colder.
This is a major point of celebration I couldn’t be more grateful for. Especially on my trail jogs. In the summer, I have to enter the woods, channeling a samurai while wielding a massive branch. Am I a hard ass as I charge into the foliage? Oh, yes. Does my voice go up twenty octaves to emit a shriek when the first spider blocking my way gets on the stick I’m trying to knock down its web with? Yes. That motherfluffer is headed straight for me on that thing like it’s a homicide bridge. Make no doubt about it. In summer, everything’s beautiful and warm and I want to run farther – sure. But in winter, I don’t have to scan below and above and develop 360 degree vision to locate the enemy. Who knows – maybe all that extra focus is what makes me feel alert and awake enough to want to run longer in summer. Or maybe I’m not going far at all. Maybe I’m just gone longer.
Because I spend half of it paused amongst empty webs and doing this:
The other part of it is how empty those trails are (yes I realize most of this is about running, but bear with me – a potentially shared experience is coming). This is great for two reasons. First: it feeds my delusion where I like to pretend that I’m a millionaire who owns the entire forest and the trails I run. Second: hippie peeing. Have as much coffee as I do and halfway through a chilly run, you’re just piss on springs. In spring, you can’t spring a leak of your own out on these trails (if you’re a chick) without being seen, probably. But in dismal winter, you can grab a tree and probably get away with it. I have! But I try to keep it to those days where it’s raining and disgusting and I’m the only soul out running – which makes it awesome regardless of the weather.
This is all well and good. But… I’m very fickle. What if (god forbid) trail jogging loses its allure by next winter?
That’s where you come in. Because next year, I’ve got a 3 point plan on deck for us.
All in the name of upping our winter-interaction-with-nature game.
For example – we can collect these things, play Frisbee, and then eat a meal off ‘em.
(Re-icicle-ing?)
After that?
We’ll do this all day on the frozen lake we got the freeze-bees from:
And we won’t stop till we morph into snow Nicholson from “The Shining”
(I have a feeling this guy did the same thing too).
And, then – as your gracious hostess – I’ll fly you to wherever this thing happens:
That way, when we jump on it, you can pretend to be my first mate as I yell, “ICEBERG! STRAIGHT AHEAD!” and point at the nearest house. We’ll just keep doing that as my ice ship mows down neighborhoods – until either it melts or the police come and try to decide whether or not to arrest us (since I’ll have resorted to Sub-Zero puns in my best Schwarzenegger voice by then.)
But it’s okay. By then it’ll be spring again and I can put my antics on hold for another year or so.
This, my brethren, will be my new routine shoe in should my running shoes start retiring for winter.
You’re welcome to join me if you like.