Aside from the obvious things like an unlimited supply of itunes music, Starbucks goodies, and my hovercraft (stocking stuffers, really) I figured I’d share with you what I truly require for Christmas this year. We’ll start small. And early. That way you all have time to get them. And all of them. Clearly, this is a list that’s ongoing – so I may have to make it a weekly or monthly update thing for the months preceding December, whereafter it will probably still continue on in January under the new and improved oh-so-succint title of “Things you can spend the next nine months working on buying for me not because I’m pregnant and having a baby shower but because nine months is when my birthday is.”

Rolls off the tongue, nicely, yes?

Good, then let’s start educating you on what to buy me.

THING 1.

Much like the whore title my best friend has spent the past decade giving me, I do my best work on my back. But because I can’t be bothered to get sweaty and have another person’s body on or in me, I’ve opted for my supine income (giggity?) activity to involve less banging and more brainstorming. Unfortunately, for me, as I peruse the interwebs – whether it’s scrolling with a mouse or laying down and looking at my iphone (perched perilously above my face – leaving me ever in danger of it falling and crushing my nose) my posture inevitably gets warped in the process of being caught up in the winds of the infamous creativity twister. We all know there’s no room for comfort when we’re weaving magic outta words. So, that’s why I need this thing in my life. And yes, I require the ipad as well. Stop being so cheap.

Some sidenotes:

1. I wonder how many people use this to avoid hunching over during solo sexy time?

2. Wait. Where’s guy-in-the-picture’s other hand?

3. I’m genuinely concerned about his wank face…

THING 2.

When I do finally get outta my ipad friendly bed to walk my dog, the struggle is real.

Between being half blind and having legs that are shorter than her ears, my dog doesn’t quite do well with a regular leash. And the retractable one’s annoying for me (especially since we usually tie in our outings with trips that involve my hands being filled with a purse, books, or a giant smelly trash bag). So anything that caters to my inability to multitask and general laziness like remote controlling my dog goes to the top of my want list. Like the leashless dog leash (a concept that dawned upon me in the kitchen, I thought I could invent, Googled, realized it had already been invented meaning I wouldn’t be a billionaire, cried over a little, and then just settled for adding to my list of shiz you can buy me in a few months.)

Sidenote: I couldn’t find an actual picture on this technology.

So the above one I’ve provided is your gift option B should the supplier be sold out:

A dog who can walk herself.

THING 3.

Vacuum?

Again?!

But I just did it last month. Can’t I just kill myself instead? Well, I won’t have to if you buy me this new vacuum that basically has everything I need – from preventing my actual having to do any work to vacuum a floor, all the way to suctioning rando fuzz outa the air which I couldn’t capture even if I wanted to. Unless I dusted. Which is a preposterous expectation.

Sidenote: special thanks to my Richardland visit for making this a thing that yesterday didn’t exist to me, yet now I’ll stay up at night crying and debating overdosing on Flinstone vitamins over until it’s in my possession. You might be asking me “Why not just get a nice cheap Roomba, Ashley?” And for your question, I have a question too: Why would I buy the Helen Keller of self-operating suction robots when there’s something with 360 degree vision that won’t keep headbutting same corner it’s stuck in all day long? Just like my cataract ridden dog who can’t handle an average leash does?

Well, that’s all for now. There’s more to add, but I don’t want to overwhelm your bank accounts all at once. So, good luck and no need to thank me for notifying you well in advance so that you each have time to discuss who’s getting what for me and subsequently allot funds appropriately to accommodate my needs.

Just email me any general adulation – I’ll check it from the ipad you’re buying me.

I might even reply, if you’re lucky!

<3