Miss Ashley Pants

Well, I’ve heard of faking an orgasm.

But faking chastity?

That just sounds like something you’d hear of happening in one of those countries where you get 86’d from marriage if you’re hymen-ally challenged. You know? The ones where the traditional folk all gather as a family to hear the new bride get pried opened like a birthday gift? Yes, it sounds awfully off to me. Grandma and the crew waiting around for my sanguine spelunking, patiently awaiting a Dexter meets Pollock copulatory spontaneous spatter. But, then again, so are many of our traditions. Like giving gifts to everyone except the person whose birthday it is at the end of every December when all he specifically asked for was: “Don’t be assholes. Here’s like ten ways how to do that.” Personally I forget what most of those suggestions were myself, so my hands are just as dirty as the sheets of a legitimately consecrated marriage.

Or illegitimate even, if you’re a sneaky Iranian fiancé gearing up for a big night betwixt the sheets.

Because there are indeed a more modern group of women who, much like many a Christian here in my country, just go along with the motions for the sake of status quo. And some of them are starting to see these “first time” forensic prerequisites in the same light as someone like I do. Sure, they’ll make their elders happy with some scarlet painted bed clothes. But they sure as shiz ain’t gonna waste their lives not getting plowed up until then. So, how’s that work then? Aside from scheduling your wedding around the heaviest day of the rag? And then risking the crimson tsunami being tardy? How do you prove you’ve not lost your v-card yet? And is “lost” really a good word unless you were roofie’d when it happened?

Why, a blood suppository, of course.

This new thing is all the rage for women who want to convince their partner theirs is the first flag to be planted in their poon moon. For the small price of $100 plus . Really? Why bother? Well, it’s easy for me to sit back and scoff at a culture that I don’t even fully know, but I do get that there are legs to this story (presumably that haven’t spent much time crossed). And that’s this: whatever my beliefs are about how backward it is for men to be allowed to whore around pre-nup while women must remain chaste, that ain’t gonna change anytime soon. And the thing is – even if you are a woman who’s not intentionally forked before hubby, it doesn’t matter. If you’ve been raped, it counts against you. If you simply don’t bleed on the first go (some legit don’t), that counts against you. And then you’re shamed, rejected, and – for most of the women who’ve nowhere else to go – use what’s left of the wedding thank you stationary to scrawl out your “Goodbye, cruel world” notes.

I guess that’s what made me change my mind about how “dishonest” this seems.

I’m thinking in the context of my culture’s marriage, where we talk about being honest and having empathy and all’a that. That’s not what’s going on here. And while I’m not judging it as good or bad, I’m just stating a fact – it’s not equal, so you have to play dirty. Artificial dirty. ‘cause even once you look past the nonexistent empathy for the violated women dubbed damaged goods, the total ignoring of the fact that not all women bleed is still about as easy to wrap my head around as wrapping a finger glove on a horse erection (now that might get you the results you’re seeking.) In a way, this is no different than that thing they did in the Salem trials which (witch?) I never understood – ‘cause if you submerge, you’re gonna drown anyway unless they’re kind enough to pull you out. The only diff is that while back then the rule was that you must sink, here you must gush like a sink. From a horror movie. So that’s when you have to think at the ignorant level and play their game to survive.

I bet the dude selling these overpriced virginity vials is making a racket.

Because if the price of seeming not virgin is a Muslim version of seppuku, I’d buy one plus a backup.

Just in case.

“AllahDammit. It exploded early.

Premature exsanguination?”