It’s already September.
Which means we all have to ask ourselves:
Are we ready for skinny jean season?
I was born ready, bish.
Sure, Fall’s here. But if you’re like me, you might be living somewhere in which the pagan gods are still blessing you with an Indian Summer…. Native American Summer.
…still warm weather.
Which means we still have time – so don’t stow those breathable bottoms just yet. In fact, I just stumbled on an article about how being strangled by these things every damned day isn’t all that great to begin with because your plier-shut pants give the old Gandalf style YOU.SHALL.NOT.PASS to your blood river when it tries to flow anywhere past your vaj (or mooseknuckle – not tryn’a be sexist).
So… I came up with a few ways to circumvent typical issues of this nature.
That way, we can work together to make skinny jean season safer and sexier for all.
1. Quasi Skinny
Wait – hear me out.
Science says too much skinny-jean wearing can lead to stuff like your tummy organs doing that one thing – ya know – the one where once the guy you’re wearing them for actually comes home with you, you end up exploding diarrhea all over him? And you can’t even run away? Because the nerves going into the lower half of your body have shut off? Yeah, can’t remember what that’s called. But it does remind me that mayhaps we might consider alternating at least a few skin-tight jean days with some slightly flared or boot cut or whatever your compromise is so that at least your lower legs can breathe for a 24 hour period.
2. Jeggings?
Are jeggings back yet?
I admittedly felt awkward wearing them even when they were a thing.
But that was only until I got around friends who were also wearing them – which validated my fashion choices and thus worth as a female and a human being. Still – that was exactly five million years ago. Are they a thing again yet?
I can’t be bothered to check google or do the research right now, so someone please get back to my assistant with an update on whether this is cool again before the weather turns cool and I’m left making a regrettable wardrobe decision some unfortunate morning – like compensating for my fashion insecurities by displaying my imminently no-longer-20’s boobs in the form of suspending them from two push-up pedestals to be barely eclipsed by my deep cut V neck sweater.
Thank you in advance for preventing that from happening.
3. Spray on skinny alternative
I just came across this and I have to admit, I don’t hate it.
I’m just kidding. I totally hate it.
But not in the way I hate mom jeans. Or parachute pants hate. Or harem trousers. It’s more like a… “Oh dear! Who let you out of the playboy mansion, you poor lamb?” Ya know, that kind of subtle judging but let-me-help-you-honey compassionate reaction you’d have if you ran into Anna Faris’ House Bunny character in real life?
Never do this.
Not even for Halloween. Okay?
Promise?
4. Apple bottom break in
While this sounds like non-consensual sodomy, I assure you that’s not where I’m going.
What I mean it to tighten dat ass to loosen dem pants.
Shimmy into your skinnies once a day and do some squats or high knee marches like Conan here. Not only will it help get your blood and gunk and magical chi flowing through your extremities being incarcerated in a jail of jeans which your ass is currently trying to Shawshank its way out of – but within a couple weeks of getting down, they’ll be broken in.
And in them, you’ll have something nicer to show off. #datass
5. Go HAM for the twin hams in your junk-trunk
As a yes-and to the above method, why not try what I like to call “duh” method – because it addresses the actual problem rather than the symptom of “my jeans don’t fit and I don’t know whyyyy #firstworldprobs”. Yes you do. Start by asking yourself WHY they don’t fit as well as last year. First, let’s start with process of the elimination:
Are you this man?
No?
Good!
Then we’ve eliminated the “big boned body type” excuse and thereby proven you shouldn’t be exploding out of your clothes like overheated popcorn. Get them jeans off, put down the mocha, and add a jog to your new skinny jean-break in squatting routine. First off, it’s a high you don’t crash down from later. If it seems “too hard” remember this fun fact I stumbled on not long ago: even seven minutes of cardio can prolong your life. Triple that time and you’ll spend that long life in triple XS Lucky’s.
Actually, that’s a lie. I just lied.
But what’s not a lie is this: at least your size’ll fit far better.
And you’ll get to spend what’s left of your youth being sexy.
And watching your grandkids’ jaws drop in two hundred years with your retro-IG snappies.
That’s all for now.
Good luck, sexy bishes.