I was ultra bummed the second he said it:
“Oh, by the way, it’s in a residence – just so you know.”
A residence? No. Thank you. Maybe if I wasn’t scheduling to come into a business, take my clothes off my body, and lay in a pod of water for two hours, I’d be fine. For some reason, I was so much more okay with that concept during my days of voluntary melanoma seeking within the rooms of Apollo Tan. To be fair, much like those S.A.D. lightboxes promise, I left those sessions feeling filled with the kiss of summer sun. Once I quit indoor tanning, I realized that if they were to create full body light boxes that gave off heat sans the U.V. death lasers, I’d’ve just done that. In fact, I still would. So, in a way, that’s kind of what I was seeking when my buddy mentioned these sensory deprivation aqua pods you go float in with the sole purpose of existing without any possible distraction. In a way, it seemed like forced meditation – and the fact that the water remains warm (body temperature) while you lay supine in weightlessness, sounded pretty fantastic. (And also good practice for when NASA imminently asks me to pilot a spaceship headed through a wormhole to check out how habitable the other-earths sitting inside are). So, I scheduled. And I really, really wanted to go. I had that nervous excitement as I confirmed my appointment that you get when you’re about to try something new and you’re all in.
Until you find out it involves getting naked in a stranger’s living quarters.
Drawing from my vast catalogue of euphemistic language, I conveyed these concerns to him.
While he said he understood, he seemed a bit too quick to do that thing men do when they want to seem trustworthy – drag their wives into it by mentioning A.) they have a wife B.) she supports it somehow. In his case, he went on to volunteer that they’re in the process of relocating and that they actually co-own the bizz. Now, he may be 100% legit, but a few of my subconscious flags went up when I didn’t see enough off-site reviews thumbs-upping them – followed by several more when I thought a question I didn’t ask: I’d called here more than twice, while shopping around for pod places (this was the closest). I called to price compare, to proximity compare, and once on accident because it was in my recent call list and I pressed it.
If his wife’s an equal part of it, why was he the only one to ever answer?
Call me paranoid (or whatever you like – I’m not the boss of you), but with this seemingly increasing list of bar-owners (like that one guy in D.C., near me) and landlords sneaking cameras into toilets and whatnot, I feel like I wouldn’t feel comfy doing it in an even more personal locale. Somehow being in public where there are a lotta people, makes me feel better. Maybe it’s that, paradoxically, private nudity loves company. Ya know, just knowing other people are doing the same thing in the next room over. Or that being around a bustling atmosphere where people don’t get violated in broad daylight might at least allow me the sweet distraction of denial so I could get my money’s worth. Either way, I feel like if doubt were weighing on my mind, I’d have a tough time not thinking about ending up on the undernet during the 90 minutes I’m trying to yank the kill switch on my thought factory. But, hey, maybe that’s the idea. Like, they intentionally create an atmosphere that makes you self conscious. So, instead of relaxing right away, you spend about an hour of your bobbing time with your brain bobbing for anxiety apples. And by the time you do finally quiet your mind, you get maybe five to ten good, tranquil, transcendent minutes before your sesh is over. But because you leave feeling awesome, you schedule up right away, and come back. Only to get nervous all over again the second you start to disrobe and see the red blinking light glaring like a Cyclops goblin in the corner.
Which the owner insists is “part of the equipment.”
Anyway, so yes, I’m a bit miffed I’m still deprived of my sensory deprivation.
Just not miffed enough to disrobe where randos reside.
But when these guys finally get a legit public bizz, I’m totes going.