How selfish of me.
Here I’ve been writing about what you all should be buying me, when I haven’t even begun buying anything for the people I love. So I’ve been sitting here all morning – wondering what in the world I could possibly get for the treasured few beings in my life who don’t star as the centerpiece in my daydreams about cars falling off of cliffs after catching fire. As you might have been able to infer from my own personal wish list, I come from a practical family. We’re fans of more functional toys. Things we can get use out of. That’s why, like some cosmic unrequested gift, there was an angel choir that sounded when I happened upon this ancient device that will still be terribly useful for the upcoming festive seasons:
The “Pythagorean Cup” or “greedy cup” for anti-gluttony.
Even though the nickname is dumb and should dubbed be the “greedy goblet”, the invention itself is amazing. Not just because it spills the entire alcoholic contents into your lap if you’re an alcy and you fill your glass past a certain point, but also because this thing was made super long ago by an ancient Ionian Greek dude who liked math and stuff called Pythagoras (you might have heard of him). As the diagram below shows, the cup functions totes normally, so long as your eyes aren’t larger than your liver.
But if they are, the formula’s simple:
Alcohol squared + Binge squared = Crotch squared.
#geekzing
(A. Zero wine; B. Enough wine; C. Excessive wine; D. Wearing wine)
Yes.
This is an extremely practical blanket gift for all.
In fact, I think I’ll be funding a whole set for my family. Then, on Thanksgiving eve, I’ll sneak into my childhood home like Columbus Santa, and replace all the cups and glasses in the cupboards with these fine anti-imbibery mugs.
(Is this how they spell “hateful” in G.O.T-land?)
After that, I’ll set up a video recorder in the dining room.
Then, of course, we wait for 24 hours whereupon we’ll observe (by a show of cabernet leg showers) who in my family hates feeling the most when we all have to convene in the same place for an indeterminate period of time. The video recording this delicious spectacle will obviously get uploaded to Youtube and make me lots of money. What I’ll have to determine ahead of time is whether it will be worth the inevitable retaliation – when they do same thing to me.
And the cauldrons out of which I drink coffee.
Sigh.
The vice hypocrite strikes again.
