Volunteering time and service is hard enough.

Volunteering my scarlet life oil that commutes through my body tubes each day?

Psshhha. Don’t people get paid for that?

I’m kidding. Kind of. And by that, I mean – that’s the first selfish thought that comes to my mind. And the second thought is “Yes. People get paid for that.” And then the third thought is: “Instead, I’ll just not press the ‘close doors’ button next time I’m on the elevator and I see an 80 year old woman down the hall trying her hardest to make it inside too while tripping over her walker, breaking her other hip in the process, and then hemorrhaging alone on the floor.”

That kind act will be my karmic trade-off for not donating, I tell myself.

Yes – this hypothetical situation (where instead of giving blood, I pretend to look for the “doors open” button as the doors slam on a geriatric’s face) will definitely grant me cosmic pardon. And I can bogart my blood. I suppose part of me wants to convince myself I’m still a good person, but the other part is my narcissistic default setting where I believe my priorities (going home, eating fruit, and watching Adventuretime) are more important than your need to arrive at your oncology checkup safely and unscathed.

Am I the only one with these horrifying character defects?

Probably. But others have their own selfish proclivities keeping them from donating too. Which is why this new kickstarter has found a way to use such self-indulgent tendencies … to get people to volunteer their vein contents via video gaming. Bloodsport, as they’re aptly called, has created a system where a video game gets connected to a bloodsucking device. The idea is that you virtual-murder people like you normally would after work or getting stoned. And the setup video game vamps you every time you maim a player in the game. This makes me think of when I dated a gaming junkie once. It wasn’t cool. So, I’ve gotta wonder if this Call of Duty donation idea would make dudes stay there until they’re so tapped they look like actual junkies? Or would the unpleasant feeling induce a Pavlovian nausea response when they go home to play? Like Alex the Droog trying to enjoy Beethoven after psycho rehab?

You know, it’s a great idea. But I’m not big on violent video games. I prefer something realistic that I can utilize in real life. For example, if they re-create my elevator scenario for xbox, that’d be good because I can employ what I’ve learned in reality. Like, I’m thinking of a game whose premise is to distract grandma from reaching the closing doors while she’s still in the hallway. And every time she gets trolled, she hurries to try and catch the lift, then falls, then bleeds. BINGO! I’ve won the next level where I have to beat another octogenarian boss – successfully adding to my skill set. And I’ve donated a bit of blood.

Presumably to an IRL old lady I’ve left in my wake.

See? Everyone goes home with something.

And just like that, order’s restored to the universe.