Ever had someone come atchya with an apology?
Like, for something super big they did wrong to you?
And it was like… half assed?
That’s what happened to Hana Mitchels of VICE when her rapist – now in an AA program and seeking amends from her – gave her a call to apologize. But, the thing is, he didn’t yes-and himself with all the stuff a rape victim’d like (and needs) to hear. That’s if you wanna hear a heartfelt “It’s okay”. Truth is, his lack of pulling down the projector and pointing with a yardstick to the outline of what he did wrong, how bad he feels about it now that the insanity of active alcoholism’s behind him, and asking “what can I do to make it up to you?” is what likely made Hana renege on her word-vomit of saying “it’s okay” when she wasn’t really okay with it. (Honestly, his apology sounded like he was trying to go the steps sans a sponsor – or had a kinda dumb one – ’cause the lit says not to try to step-nine anyone if it’s just gonna fan the flames.
So, I get why she got heated.
And having been in a similar situation (but admittedly with fewer revenge fantasies following – and without the amend attempt), I’d be lying if I said I didn’t occasionally think about what I’d say if the guilty party approached me to acknowledge and apologize about it. I do. After reading this (and also being a writer like Hana here), I wonder even more. What I do know is that my reply now versus several years ago would be totes diff. For instance, back then, he might cheerily hear from me, “Oh, yes, I can forgive you. All I need you to do is find the nearest shears, lop your Johnson off, and send it to me to perform voodoo on – so that once it heals, you can continue to feel the pain.” A few years later, it’d have gone something like, “I don’t forgive you right now. But I will. Eventually. For me – not for you – so that I don’t have you banging around in my brain the way you banged me sans my permish. The only prob is, you won’t get to know when all’a that happens. Hashtag-sad-for-you. KayThxBai!”
And now?
I dunno…
Mayhaps analyzing the nature of forgiveness will help me…
The great Buddha (or whoever it was) once spoke on the topic. If I remember it right, he said that not forgiving is like squeezing a scalding hot coal and never actually throwing it at anyone. (Unless you’re my mom, yelling at my dad who’s got a ready pair o’ mental industrial work mits ready to catch vitriol all day long – in whichever hand’s not cradling a venti mocha) Most of the time, though, rage just runs laps in your mind. It makes you miserable. Forgiveness doesn’t mean wand-waving sparkles and fairy farts all over the fact you were forced to fork so hard it left you with war wounds in your axe-wound. The nice thing is – like I said in my hypothetical reply above – he (or she; let’s not be sexist here to whoever my audience is) doesn’t need to know when you do it. And if I’m being brutally honest, there’s a part of me deep down that’s been cruelly comforted in knowing they never get that peace of mind back. It’s like the only retroactive power a victim has over a situation without actively grasping at grievances. Somehow, it’s evolved a little for me. And, I feel qualified to speak on both sides of this. Not as a rapist, mind you (strength-wise, I’m ill equipped), but I’ve both been the victimized and the wrong-doer enough in other forms of transgression to seek forgiveness. I’ve also been (deservedly) deprived of verbalized forgiveness too. Will the people ever forgive me? For my sins, which also include physical, albeit not sexual, assault? Who knows. But if and when it happens, it’ll be on their time, their terms, and my penance is that I’ll likely never know either.
And I get it. And I’m alright with it.
So… to the one who it would hurt more than help to contact asking for amends: I’m sorry for my offenses.
My apology will be more detailed should we ever meet face to face.
And to the one I trusted who victimized me – I’m for-giving you for-taking what wasn’t yours.