Ya know, that last ridiculous-sizes-at-Starbucks article got me thinking.

Thinking about drinking. And partying.

Don’t give me that look. I mean, the two topics might not seem similar enough to compare to one another, but seeing as the previous piece’s topic was indeed about excess (with those venti and venti plus beverages they push over there), it kinda sorta does.

But, in a good way. Prospectively. Cause (as usual) I have an idea (that will bloom and die here in this blog.)

Well, more like a question, really. For the czar of Starbucks:

Um…. why don’t you guys put a kiosk or something in nightclubs?

F’real. Listen to my four point supporting argument before you and your scones scoff at me:

1.) Newly Clean Club Kids

I mean, as many hopeless blossoming alcoholics as there are in the major party cities, there’s also a ton of young’ns who’ve started middle school level early, hit bottom prematurely, gone the 12 steps, and taken a few back on a consciousness altering level. But they haven’t given their friends who still know how to moderate the finger. And they do still like to party in the celebrate-life-and-dance sense. But things’ve changed. Now it’s a bold roast instead’a Riesling or railing mystery powders. Relying on the likes of everyone’s favorite mermaid insignia’d crackuccinos is the optimal way to deal with reality in lieu of their former corporeal and spiritual destroyers. And it’s also a great way to lift your party spirits. Especially if everyone else is pie eyed and sloppy without you. Not that SB needs any help, but as a giant corporation whose job is to Pacman up all the world’s dinero, I’d think you’d wanna. No?

2.) Rob ’em while they’re sloshed

Sure, for clean peeps, it’d be a nice legal high that puts you in a dancing/mingling mood (and doesn’t culminate with you doing naked pinwheels on the DJ booth within the hour while blowing into a rave whistle intermittently). But it’d also do amazing business for folks sobering up not for life – but just the ride home. As a current caffeine addict myself (can you tell? Is the fact that every other article covers some aspect of Java Giant enough of a clue?) I can say that sometimes just knowing that the cauldron stirrers of my sugary cousin-of-yeyo concoctions are nearby is a comfort. And as a former party star who still drank ‘bucks by day, I can say that, psychologically, I’d feel the same way back then when it was just a by-daylight yes-and to my evening activities. Pregame me would say “let’s go to THAT club; they have a STARbucks. ” Even though I’d have zero intention of drinking any coffee – the fact that it’s familiar and a novelty would’ve made me wanna go. Also, when I’m drunk, I make bad decisions. Like wasting money. So I’d probably find myself buying something anyway. (And then find it all over again the next morning in my cup holder when I’m hungover and driving to work. And make another bad decision by taking a sip of it.)

3.) Wake up ‘fore you turn up

Then, for those post-work “the spirit is willing but the body is something outta a George Romero movie” folk heading out for mandatory jubilation after their nine to five, it’d be a good thing to look forward to. Ya know? Those evenings when you get home and just want to kick off your shoes, stand in the foyer, and contemplate exactly two options, neither of which include going out: “Take a shower? Or eat while I marinate in my own body moss?” But then you realize that you promised your best friend who just got dumped, fired, and her first wrinkle that you’d take her out so you could pretend you’re not the new middle aged? Time to wake up before you turn up. (Or, if you’re like me, get both’a those things in one cup).

4.) Bucks y bailando for trentas and over?

This is actually more of a tangenty yes-and – but a worthwhile one, nonetheless. And, yes, I realize I just mixed Italian and Spanish. Let’s not lose focus here. My idea’s this: while we’re at it, maybe you guys should just open your own nightclub too – like a sequel to this Starbucks Evenings thing you’ve got going. Bring a classy, mature atmosphere with dancing to an over 25 crowd an’ all that. So, CEO of my legal dealer, (since in my brain, I’m eleventy-hundred percent sure you’re reading this), I realize I’ve given you a great deal to consider. Feel free to contact me to further discuss any more of my genius ideas. Have your people call my people.

We’ll do evening coffee. At your place.