Part of my spiritual path is making others feel better about themselves.

Ya know? Showing others how beautiful they are and all that? So, today, as I was ritualistically caking assorted liquids and powders on the front of my skull, I thought, “What better way to do that than to call on another part of my spiritual path? The part where I’m meant to be honest?” You see, in writing, I love metaphors and hyperbole. And as I was transforming my face into the one God meant to give me but forgot (He’s busy, so I’ll forgive him and keep humbly doing his work down here, one brush stroke at a time) today, I thought: what a better hyperbole to spotlight for the world than my makeup routine? So let’s extract the deception out of the pores of my beauty routine, one lie at a time.

So you all can feel better about yourselves.

LIE 1.) “Oh… my French Braid’s a mess because I was in a rush.”


(I call this the French Mullet: party at the top; everyone at the party passes out somewhere around the occipital region.)

I tried my hardest on this follicular arrangement you see today. I combed, and paddle brushed to get a little oomph at the top part of my head (which is so flat, it chronically looks like I’ve been scalped by an angry Apache tribe). Once that finally was quasi-successful, then I Chi’d the chi out of my side bangs which hang loose (always, mostly to cover these disproportionate cheekbones’ width). And ya know what? All’a that still didn’t do not shiz to improve anything. Finally, let’s not forget the most salient part. The actual braid. No, my braid’s not uneven ‘cause I was late or hurrying to get outta the door. My braid has scoliosis because I do. So it gets braided like shitty college kids get graded: on a curve.

(Also, in that snap, I’m trying to hold good shoulder posture almost harder than I tried on my braid.)

LIE 2.) This is just a little contour… ya know… to bring out my natural bone structure.

Natural for Michelle Pfeifer, maybe.

But if you don’t see the disparity between natch nose (And cheeks. And everything else) versus optically powder chiseled features on a contoured face, then I have the bridge of my giant proboscis to sell you. So that I can afford plastic surgery. And save myself a shizload of money on Sephora products.

LIE 3.) “I put on gloss because my lips are dry”

Okay, granted. They are dry.

But that’s not the only reason I wear it. Let’s face it, glossy lips are sexy. And if I can limbo under the “light makeup” cutoff bar by dabbing on some Vaseline, then I’mma do it. I’mma also do it on “non-light makeup days”. Twice as much. As a wise man once said, “Can’t stop; Won’t stop.” And I don’t intend to. Not until my face lips look like my nether ones after a nice Cosby Colada.

LIE 4.) My lash routine’s way faster now that I’ve quit fake lashes.

Falser than the spider leg clusters I used to glue to my gaze drapes.

The truth? I put on one coat of ebony colored gunk, go get some chores done while it dries, put on another layer, do an underpants dance while that coat dries, then apply some black powder to hyper dry that layer, before finally applying one last go-go gadget lash layer for an ultimate result of looking like a fuzzy tarantula version of the adhesive ones.

LIE 5.) “Why are my teeth so white? ‘cause I brush them a lot! Also, I eat vegan!”

This is half lies/half truth.

Actually, TBH, I dunno what would be a fair fact/deception percentage for each.

But the truth part of it is that yes, they’re whiter since I’ve changed my diet. But mostly, I’m just trying to coerce you into switching to my diet because it’s so energy-infusing, skinny-inducing, and skin-brightening that I want the whole world to enjoy those bits that are true. (Also, it’ll make you a bit less of an asshole mood-wise, which makes it easier for me to connect to you on a personal level instead of judging you silently the whole time I listen to you oscillate between announcing your cravings and then complaining about your weight after having indulged them.) That’s not really a lie though, technically. The real lie? The real lie’s that bit where I omitted how I’ve been bleaching those mother plaquers since the second I got off my braces at age 14. But, now that you’re in on the big secret, I feel obligated to give you some advice: the 5 minute gentle routine once every few months is sufficient after you do the first week long 30 minute bullshiz. Also: use enamel protecting toothpaste.

Also: you’re now obligated to flash your new Crest-y grin willy nilly and credit veganism to it.

Also: don’t let a lot of people in on our secret – we can’t have everyone being as pretty as you and me.

Do you feel better now? Yes?

Good. Selfless service sure feels nice.

And definitely makes up for me not checking if these products were tested on rabbit eyeballs back when I bought them.


If “makeup” literally means fabrication…

… and the second definition of it even is “the composition or constitution of something”…

Then that means all beauty products, however they’re applied, are already a lie – by virtue of their name.