“I just wanna sneak up behind him with the scissors…”
My best friend used to say this all the time when I was dating a long-locked dude with hair prettier than either’a ours. And, to be fair, the only reason I didn’t say “I’ll kill you if you do” was because I knew he’d reflexively murder anyone who dared approach him himself. Literally, I’d seen the guy pass-out drunk letting friends doodle mouth bound dongs on his face before. But the moment someone took it too far – approaching with a pair of shears – a coif radar went off, sending him vertical once again. Suddenly, was on his feet and your throat was in his fist. The man loved his hair. And why wouldn’t he? That shit got him a lot of play – before me, after me, and probably during the time we dated too. And of the things I miss the most about our relache – I’d be lying if I said that superficial facet didn’t rank high. Whether it was down or even fashioned up into a little bun – just like mine.
So, yeah. I have a personal link to man locks tied up in a knot.
But, believe it or not, there’re more reasons than my objectified ex.
Five, to start with:
1.) RUSSELL BRAND DOES IT
You knew this would be number one.
Let’s not pretend we didn’t both know this would be number one.
Or that I’m going to rest before I purchase a replica of that entire outfit, especially those amazing socks.
#obsessed
2.) THE BIG REVEAL
Watching a big burly man with a chiseled jaw put up his hair or take it down…
…. it’s like that sleepover scene in “The Craft”.
I’ve tried to self-analzye the psychology of why it’s so appealing – that process.
And I think it comes from the same place as those fissures in the frozen icy sheath around my cardiac organ do every time I see a muscle bound testosterone infused sex object turn into a nurturing creature at the sight of his own kid. Or even other people’s kids. Or a dog. (All the same, really). I suppose the combo of my brain loving irony and my unfortunate ovarian genetic curse that draws me to seeing ravenous, drooling cavemen transmogrify into lambs with glazed over eyes makes something like this a good shoe in for something more extreme. Like shitting out a human of my own.
3.) REVENGE
When you’re back there and I can’t see what’s going on or whether you’re plotting to slip in the exit unexpectedly, there’s also a lot of hair pulling. We’d return the favor, but many times you don’t give us much to work with. What’s a girl to grab? Beard? Mustache? (Not if you’re in my bed, thx). Everything that’s tug-able on you is pretty well preoccupied right now.
Hand me a follicular knob knot, though, and we’ll be even.
4.) STEFANI ASSOCIATION
Before I saw Russ do it, I saw Gwen do it.
Queen of the buns.
And while she’s my first crush, I’ll settle for her top knot with a bottom knob bordered by balls… I guess.
And, ya know, after Gwen did the bun, I did it too – which leads me to the final reason:
5.) EMPTY NARCISSISM
As a Gwenabe, a bun’s how I wore my hair as soon as I knew how. It’s still how I do it 90% of the time it’s not in a hat.
And that means that the next time we’re together, man-bun, I can pretend you’re me.
Which means I can pretend I’m loving myself.
For, like, twenty or thirty minutes.
(Protip: if you last less than that, you’re prematurely dismissed. Man bun or not.)
That’s all for now.
As you were…