Well, I’ve heard of trying to poison someone by giving them an apple…

But trying to poison a parent for taking away your Apple?

Apple iphone, that is?

Jesus. We all knew smartphone and technology-in-general addiction was getting pretty bad. This shiz is just next level, though. When a mom did what moms do and opted to punish her daughter via text and app deprivation, the seed that sprang from her loins did what all junkies do in desperate times: anything to get their fix. Lie? Sure. Steal? Absolutely. Pour clorox in the beverages of your birth-giver?

One might hope that’s when the moment o’ clarity’d hit.

“My god! I was about to murder my mother just now! I really need to reassess my lifestyle choice here…”

Not for one homicidal pre-teen who clearly got too involved in the Hannah storyline of “Dexter” at a tender age.

Her mom’s first clue was when she almost downed the smoothie her daughter had made and smelled laundry cleaner in it. Not putting two and two together at first (that there’s no blanket bleach cleaner for dishes and laundry alike and why the fluff would washing machine ingredients be in your blender), she just rinsed it out and made a new batch. But then, later, while cozied up all (presumably) safe in bed – she noted that the glass o’ agua she kept on the night table had a similar smell. Finally, she approached her psychotic progeny about it – who was all to eager to grant her an affirmative reply. That, why, yes! In fact, I did try to sneak body auto-destruct elixirs into your system. Shall we drive me to soccer practice now?

Per the attorney, she’s too young to get f’real punishment. As he puts it: “With a twelve-year-old it is extremely unlikely there will be a significant punitive component. Punishment is almost never a focus in a case such as this. We are trying to help the young person and the young person’s family, and that is the emphasis for both my office and the courts.” Yes. Lots of help. Because she’s clearly just a selfish, hateful idiot – not some calculated, logical-but-no-conscience Bad Seed psychopath in the making.

I mean, eventually she’d’ve gotten her phone back.

But if you kill the person who’s paying for it, you never will.

#Idiot