Ever wonder if technology could help you hide a crime?
Like the bodies of telemarketers you’ve tracked down and murdered?
Or feed dispossessed pets to an ATM?
Well, wonder no more!
Much like our spiritual paths, our god given homicidal gifts can be educed easily if we only look at that which we already have. Like Siri, for instance. And, indeed, today’s tech accomplice (techomplice?) award for assistance in murder cover ups goes to none other than our old (is she considered old now?) handheld bulter. Sure, her once sexy robot voice became automatically akin to a schoolmarm’s the moment “Her” came out and we all wanted Scarlett Johannsen’s raspy intonation guiding our every waking moment like a perpetual session of auditory foreplay orally dictating from the cosmic how-to manual for our lives.
But Suuurri still be our bottom bish.
I mean, apparently been stepping up her Karla Homolka game for a few years now. In fact, it’s only just now coming to light that she aided and abetted a 2012 murder by helping the killer… hide the body.
We all thought this was a prank for funsies, right?
There’s nothing funny about the murder of somebody. That was a human dude – maybe a son, brother, maybe well loved, maybe not – but he was just going to college and living his life and he died senselessly. But what is stupid-funny is how news stories will cover this stuff. For instance, I liked the one that made sure to notify us on all the important lil details – like the fact that they were listening to a Kanye West CD they’d just bought in the car when soon-to-be murderer Pedro Bravo got jelly that his friend was dating his ex-squeeze from high school, then made the split-second decision to drug, kill, and recycle his body into alligator land that night.
#stupid
Ol’ Pedro may or may not get away with this bro version of a Lifetime tale he’s managed to make outta his life. It’s interesting to see how technology and those Lifetime-like murder thrillers help induce this line of thinking through the T.V. – and then it’s also there, waiting at the other end in the form of a phone, to direct us the rest to the nearest body dumping bog. But I like to try and find silver linings. So, I suppose it’s just nice to know that when the machines finally do go through the final stages of higher-consch, that they’ll be with me through thick and thin and think outside the box of blood slide trophies. Especially after I finally track down this one motherfluffing telemarketer who keeps calling from Iowa in the middle of dinner.
Except for, ya know, that one karma dealing machine that runs the chair I get to die in.
I’m led to believe that one won’t quite be my ally.
#HomicideIsBadMMMkay