A warrant for your arrest? When you’re nine?

It sounds pretty bad ass.

And it probably would be if the kid in question had knocked over a liquor store or kidnapped your mom, got her addicted to heroin, and made her work in his brothel in the hidden dungeon under La Lavandaria downtown. But just like the clothes in that hypothetical laundromat, this Idaho kid’s story’s too clean to be street cred level. What’d he do to induce a warrant?

Close.

He stole a pack of gum.

Wait… that’ll get me a warrant? When I still bear but one digit in the quantitative description for how many years I’ve been alive? That’s what Police Chief Scott Haug wondered too, when the warrant descended onto his desk, like a bad prank on paper (or do they do that stuff online now? ‘cause I’m imaging 80’s Eddie Murphy reacting comically to a tangible piece of information he can cackle at before crumpling for a free-throw into a waste-basket). The reality, however, is a bit less laugh inducing. This wasn’t the making of a satirical Onion tale – but like an onion, it kinda makes me wanna cry. The warrant was issued because:

1.) It was the second time the 9 year old missed his day in court.

2.) And prosecuting Attorney Barry McHugh (the warrant issuer) declined to comment.

3.) Because the case involves someone younger than 18 years old.

Now, if you glossed over those three statements (which I just intentionally separated from one another with sufficient space) with a minimum of concern… I encourage you to revisit them. He’s too young to be spoken about, but it’s perfectly okay to go after him like Bin Laden for nicking Chicklets from the local mini mart? Really? It’s Idaho. They made the top ten of pill abusing states not long ago. So, it’s safe to say there’s probably someone slinging his Oxy script a stoner’s stone’s throw from that mini mart. Can’t we focus on those guys causing those OD’s coming into your ERs? Is this really where our legal resources’ energy and attention are going? They’re getting paid to jerk each other off instead of catching real criminals?

But I never like to leave a piece without putting on the other team’s jersey and playing against my side a bit. So I’ll say this. I get it. Kids need to be taught early on not to steal. Not just because we should obey the man. But because of the “do no harm” mantra we should all have guiding us. He wasn’t stealing something because he was hungry and needed to survive. He was stealing because he either was taught it was okay – or he wasn’t taught that it isn’t. Which brings us to the parents. The ones who should be held accountable. They replied that they didn’t have the travel means to get their son to court. That was their responsibility to explain at the outset when they knew their son had gotten in a pickle with the police. Not to ostrich their heads in the sands, hoping it’d pass.

Yes, we all have to answer for our crimes – whether it’s stealing cars or candy.

But, no, the warrant isn’t right. Another no to juvenile detention (where the kid is now); that isn’t the answer. He’s actually gonna go before a judge soon, and I sincerely hope that more prison-pre-school (which juvie essentially is) won’t be his sentence. Community service, yes. Classes, yes. Therapy, yes. Juvie, no. Because it’s clear he’s not being taught the right life lessons at home if his parents are this irresponsible. Imagine what he’ll learn in there. Probably the tools to earn him a ticket to f’real prison eventually. By the time the system’s done with him, he’ll have come in gum-stealer and left a gun-slinger.

I’ll leave you with this tidbit I posted when my friend tagged me in this story:

(It’s how I hopefully envisage the court date convo with the judge going):

“You didn’t show up for your court date.”

“Yeah, man. Really sorry! I’d taken off work for it and left early to beat traffic and everything! But then, on my way here, the car I just finished paying off broke down and I tried to call my secretary Margaret to tell her to call you and explai-”

“Son, you’re NINE.”

“I rest my case.” (*pops bubble gum*) “We done here?”

Fun Fact Afterthought: Did you know “gumshoe” (police detective) used to be slang for “thief”?