So I woke up today and (of course) checked my phone first to see if anyone loves me (because I base my self worth on things like social media approval-stamping and personalized email messages).
And this’s what I saw:
Not looking at the locale (does siri just spin the globe and add a random place to the temp list?), both parts of my brain starting analyzing the information it was provided. Neither thought to read the foreign label. Half said, “oh good – I knew it’d warm up eventually”. The other said, “Wait. The birds are half-assing their wakeup whistle ’cause it’s so early. It couldn’t be 102 degrees right now even if it were August.
But in the midst of this bipolar weather – some days sweaty, subsequent ones sleeting – my priority plant plans have been most hindered. The vegetable garden is a dream I refuse to relinquish until their pulpy bodies rest upon my dinner plate. Even though I dunno which plants to even grow yet.
Ahem. That’s pulpy. Not “puppy”.
Anyway, while wandering randomly round the net, seeking inspiration the same way a stray teen seeks love from the smooth talking sleazy lacrosse captain, I found out I don’t have to relocate to India to grow my ish. Or need a yard, even. I can do it right here.
America! Fckk yea!
My perusal and puttering revealed that potting plants and breathing life into leafy noms can indeed be an inside job.
For example, did you know all’a this can grow in your house?
Since tomatoes are the main thing I want this season, I think I’ll start there.
And from what I’ve read, these are the major steps:
1.Light Locale
Near lotsa light. Preferably a floor to ceiling window facing south or east.
2.Tomato type
Cherry and pear types are the best bet. Also, an “indeterminate variety”will keep making fruit all season. The other kind kinds and the ones that only grow to a certain length do shitty inside.
3.Container
Go big or go hungry. 5 gallons at least.
4.Grow Lights
Remember when your ex-dealer gave you his grow lights before he went to jail? Double their function! Two tubes per one tomato plant is optimal.
5. Shake it like mama nature
Unless your house is filled with bees and winged woodland creatures that can carry out pollination for you. Shake the flowers of the plants (or use a fan if you can’t be bothered with loving the thing that’s providing your sustenance.)
6. Feed me photons, Seymour!
Play the job of Ra (or whoever the sun god is) by timing the weed lights with the sun’s rising and falling. Otherwise they’ll mutate or desiccate or grow a mouth and start demanding shit with a lisp.
Ya know, I have a great feeling about this. I mean, judging from my history with keeping houseplants alive, I’m confident I’m gonna be effing amazing at this “inner peas” thing.
I wholly adore the floral metamorphosis into moribund fallopian tubes prior to dying.
#foreshadowing