Screw weight watchers and food diaries.
Physics is cutting to the core of calorie counting. Consumer Physics, to be specific. With their new device called Scio, you can monitor every morsel you nom before you wear it as a muffin top. Yes – even the ish that doesn’t come in a bag with those annoying guilt tables on the back. The way this technology works is super simple:
*ahem*
It’s a molecular scanner that analyzes the food product with infrared light before breaking down that information into chemical makeup with its built in spectrometer and subsequently determining the absorption rate of material right before cross referencing against a database of materials whereupon that information gets sent by Bluetooth TO.YOUR.SMARTPHONE.
But, like, don’t worry.
All you have to do is scan.
And find something to do with your food while you wait.
This is kinda like a technological manifestation for those bathroom scale regrets. You know – those weeks where you finally regret trying to delude yourself when you ate a tub of Amy’s ice cream? (“It’s okay because it’s veeeegan”) Instead of witnessing shitty digital numbers after the fact (and crying because you like german cake as much as you hate jogging), you can read it and weep ahead of time. And lose weight, too.
Because crying burns a lot of calories, obviously.
But this fun advancement reaches beyond mere meal planning. It also can tell you how your tomato and sativa plants are doing or whether to hang Cubans from a chopper after they bring you fake drugs. That’s right. This badboy can scan plants, pills, and body fluids too.
I feel like this technology will be super popular in 3 main crowds:
1. Emotional Eaters
She knows she’s gonna eat the cheese fries either way.
She just needs to know whether or not to hate herself while does.
2. Death Detectives
“Sir, there’s a fluid on the murder bed!”
(*scans jizz stain and reads*)
“I…see-men were present when she died…”
3. Really Dumb Drug Dealers…
…who forget the chemical info gets beamed over the NSA-waves before it comes back to ya. #durrr
“You have top shelf smack! Congratulations. Authorities are on their way.”