Miss Ashley Pants

“Stop it. STOP IT. STOP THAT. STOP DOING THAT!!!!1”

This is the internal monologue I have to consciously fight from vocalizing as a family member to three obsessive compulsive disorder sufferers. And it’s pretty bad when I – a crazy person myself – get this vexed by someone else’s psychosis. But, I suppose, that’s the reason itself: one can only observe too much Nicholson a la “Good As It Gets” style OCD before it starts rattling loose their own supply they’ve worked so hard to suppress.

Try as I might, I can ignore this superstitious disease about as much as sufferers can ignore the urge to tap a table ten times. I’m too curious about how people will perform little ritualistic ticks and say they’re for good luck. Or how others will do exactly the same and (more pessimistically) say “my grandmother will get eaten by wolves if I DON’T!”. Some are less imaginative and just adhere to the old salt over the shoulder and knock on wood things they were taught long ago. What’s the difference? And what does it mean to the people who do it? Is there any difference between being OCD or plain old superstitious?

Sadly, I’ve seen more than my share of both – but more so the former:

My sister will unplug a space heater, leave the room, reenter, stare at the unplugged socket for ten seconds, leave, reenter, and repeat this whole process four times. My dad will lock the front door, step away, and then squat to listen at the lock (for what? I don’t know. You try asking him. I never get an answer.) Then he’ll repeat this leaving and listening thing more times than my sister does the space heater thing. And dear old mom (*sigh*), I dunno where to begin with you. There’s too many to choose from, so we’ll go with the weirdest: the twirling. If you’re reading this – please tell me: why do you twirl your jacket four times before you put it on? And carry on a conversation with me all the while like nothing weird involving the clothing article in your right hand is transpiring? Is it for good luck? Is it like salt-throwing or wood-knocking? Is it to keep the evil clown who lives under my bed from eating my feet when I shift positions and the covers fall off my ankle?

I need to know.

According to research done at a Singapore university, it may have to do with your body and energy flow (or your perceived energy flow.) You know how experts will say body language can either seem oppressive or inviting to other people – depending on something like which way you turn your hands when you gesticulate? Well, we too can be on the receiving end of our own body language. And when it came to a “good luck” test (the wood knock), scientists had people say things like “I’ve never been in a car crash” (followed by rapping the table with their knuckles). Interviewing these peeps, it was noted that the majority of the time those who knocked toward themselves were the ones who expected bad shiz to go down. Those who knocked away from themselves, however, had a generally positive outlook about it. Thus, much like the oppressive versus welcoming hand gesture, it’s like our body language determines and reinforces how we ourselves feel about a concept too.

Push away the bad energy. Pull the bad energy in.

So then – where does that leave my obsessive compulsive family members? And why do they do it? Well, what makes sense to me is that with OCD – since it’s cyclic and repetitive – you’re doing an alternating push and pull of this anxious energy. So, whether you’re twirling a jacket or pacing to and fro an unplugged appliance, it’s moving between the two. For someone who wants to get rid of the anxious energy (but doesn’t believe the traditional luck-rituals are sufficient), the cyclical push-pull offers a false sense of control over the entire thing. You get to manipulate both the yin and yang as you tick-twerk. Plus, you made up the whole effing practice, too. So, there’s almost something kinda god-like to that. I suppose that illusion of control is kind of comforting if you believe in it.

Until the need rises in you to do it again.

And someone watching you asks you WTF you’re doing.

And you say “nothing”.

And they say .______.

In that way, both OCD and old school superstition become kinda religious in their perfunctory nature.

But is there a “better” one in my book? A lesser of two evils between the classic “don’t walk under a ladder; do toss the salt” good luck nuns versus the tick riddled trailblazers? Surprised as I am at myself, I’m gonna defend the OCD peeps (sick to death though I am of their shit) because at least they set their own trends when they make up what’s good luck or not. People who just adhere to the wives tale stuff they were taught as kids are just as boring who close their minds after being inculcated into dogma based religions. It’s no different than saying a prayer you didn’t even invent while you’re thinking about dinner. At least obsessive psychotic skin-scour washing accomplishes something. Beats basic and boring hand me down brand of irrationality. Yawn.

So, that’s my final ruling.

Despite their flaws, at least OCDers are original. Because they think outside the box.

The Box.

The Box.

The Box.