We don’t pause to appreciate the simple things enough, do we?
The fresh air we get to breathe.
The beauty of the oscillating seasons.
The poetry of profanity.
Yes. I think we don’t give the genre of foul language nearly enough credit for how picturesque those who’ve come before us have made it. When you really stop to consider it, some of these phrases of language we take for granted had to’ve been designed by the Van Gogh of vitriol. I’ll accept nothing less as a backstory. I, for one, grew up hearing a lot of colorfully illustrated ways to describe otherwise mundane and unfortunate situations, people, other drivers on the freeway… Then, later, I’d hear some of them regurgitated elsewhere until they almost lost their meaning. Like reciting “I carry your heart” so many times that I forget the significance – or how the rest of it goes (is it “…in a bucket”?) Anyway, it’s time to get back to meditating on the meaning behind these artistically hateful curses – from the bland to the bombastic. Today we’ll just focus on a few. But if it’s gratifying enough, then I may turn it into a series….
Shall we?
1. “SUCK A BAG OF…
Ah, wait.
Let Louis tell you.
After all, it’s his bit:
Luckily, this one’s still fairly new. Still brings a smile to my face.
Louis CK mused about this one on stage during a bit. Someone had made this suggestion to him in traffic (during which time both parties had their respective windows rolled down); and he had many questions about it, just like you might. Among these questions was the following: what kind of a bag? A plastic bag? A paper bag? I think the answer is obvious, Louis, if you look inside your heart. When you think of a good housewife carrying groceries (you know – the kind you’d see in a Getty image stock photo?), what do you see? You don’t think of a plastic bag, do you? No! You think of the paper bag with all those sharp corners – maybe something leafy protruding from top – but what is always there? A long, girthy, and phallic baguette. This is what I truly believe that the person issuing this suggestion whilst driving had in mind, Louis darling.
An entire bag filled with those.
Except, made of throbbing, turgid, veiny flesh instead’a flour.
Enjoy! Pace yourself!
Next!
2. “SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING BITCH.”
Ah, you’ve heard this one before too?
No, darling. Close, but you’re short a very important adverb.
Alright, loves, forget what you think you know about this one.
We’ve got to go back to the drawing board, obviously.
Because for us all to understand the Poe-level enigma this one’s infused with and appreciate it fully, we have to delve a little bit deeper. Put on our Jerry Springer specs. So, we’re talking about the son. Okay. Son of who? Someone who fucks their mother. And who is also a bitch. Thus, the parent of the male subject in question is both bitchy and fornicating with said male subject’s grandmother. What a mix! But we’re not done yet. So, the first thing one might assume is that – since his parent and grandmother are intimate – this child must be the product of inbreeding, no? His father has an Oedipus complex (AKA “mommy’s boy” AKA “bitch”) and he was the tragic result. Right? Maybe. Or maybe not. Could there be more? What if it were a daughter (“bitch” in the classic sense, not in the pansy boy sense) who had been the Anne Sexton version of Rapunzel (the incestuous reboot fairytale) to her Gothel-esque mother? Then what we’re talking about is just an unfortunate child. Because even though he wasn’t naturally born an inbred frog human, he’ll probably end up having one when he inevitably learns the family tradition. Wow! I mean, really. What a fantastic train wreck of hatred to sling at someone! With all its eloquent yet simple introspective double meanings, it says to the recipient: “I hate you so much that even if you have transgender surgery in a few years, this accusation will still apply after.”
NEXT!
3. “FUCK A DUCKING CUNT”
Now this revamped-from-the-original phrase is near and dear to my heart.
Because it comes from a personal anecdote.
(This can’t be consensual…)
Someone in my family (whose name will remain anonymous), once exclaimed this completely out of the blue – and quite impressively I might add. It appeared like a phantom to my ears from the wormhole through which all of us wordsmiths go fishing. And the circumstances that fine day warranting such an imaginative linking of language? Someone stole our parking place. I was five. So, naturally, my first thought and focus was on the pond animal part of the sentence- “duck”. After a few more of these episodes and a few more years, I eventually pawned in my pond animal affinity for pornography (fortunately, I never got into the stuff where they mix the two). And I started to realize that wasn’t the intention behind this exclamation at all. I really hadn’t appreciated it in my naivety whatsoever. Looking back, I adore it for that whole larger implication it has. Sure, we’re condemning the lemons life has given us instead of making lemonade – but wouldn’t you too, when a driver has just raped your place of parking from you? Isn’t that what it’s all about? Violation? I mean, let’s analyze for a moment to drive home (eh?!) the analogy: if a “cunt” is “ducking”, clearly that can mean nothing other than the fact that it doesn’t want to be fucked – just like the actual duck in the image above. (Then again, I might be wrong. Not much of a fight or flight attempt going on there). But in this phrase, we’re saying – fuck it anyway! ‘cause I just got fucked! That was my place! And you put your car in it! I want everyone to feel like I do right now. So, you go find and fill and unwilling vaginal orifice, sonny! It’ll dodge your advances initially, no doubt; but don’t let that stop you! You don’t quit till it’s been dicked!” Ah… brings a nostalgic tear to my eye even now. I mean, in a way, it’s just like when Romeo says “I defy you, stars!” Except more beautiful. And metaphorical. So I suppose, you know who you are, I owe more of my creativity to you than you give yourself credit for .
And that’s why they now pay me the big ducks.
I mean fucks.
I mean bucks.