Listen up wake ‘n bakers!
Love shotguns and shots of espresso? Well, if you live in Washington, there’s some great news for you! You may’ve heard about “bulletproof coffee” – but now, marijuana coffee is a thing too. Hitting the markets in July, this cannabis concoction is cold brewed to leave you (allegedly) feeling alert and creative. At least that’s what product developer Adam Stites claims in his statement (that sounds like he’d just tried one of each flavor before writing).
And indeed there are multiple flavors. There’s sparkling cherry, lemon ginger, pomegranate, and bong water. No, not really. Just seeing if you were paying attention on that last one. But they do all come with cannabis extract – for the low, low price of $9 a bottle.
I have a couple not-gripes-but-kinda-eyerolls about this product:
Eyeroll 1: Might it take the communal sense out of smoking? People who share the same smoke stick tend to feel bonded amidst the mystical aspect of floating smoke. Maybe it’s because people are sitting around ingesting something comforting and warm together. Or maybe it makes them feel like they’re at Woodstock or like they’re Native Americans preparing for a peyote vision quest. I don’t get it on a personal level ‘cause weed ain’t my thing – but it’s got redeeming factors for those who like it. People connect, let their guard down, and don’t seem to be anxious assholes to eachother after it wears off.
The bottled cold version of this would sorta eliminate that.
(Speaking of “elimination”, will towelie be around to clean up the mess when I have to pee every negative nine seconds but am too lazy to get up?)
Eyeroll 2: To those of us who don’t enjoy a little puffaroo, most stoners are annoying enough just with the weed. The entirety of their conversation sounds like a Keanu meme (without the humor part), they eat all of your leftovers, and they spoil movie endings after you’ve sat through their agonizing attempt to describe the general plotline. Hearing the baked speak is this audible trainwreck you can’t stop listening to somehow in your captivated state – like watching a dog walk in socks. Despite that entertainment factor, I’m still left wondering just how necessary it is to concoct a cocktail that induces a supercharged version of sativa rambling with both of these things combined?
Would you try it?
Would I? As I told my mom today: maybe when I’m eleventy-hundred years old and about to die anyway, I’ll throw a party with an assorted drug buffet – where everyone’s invited. And then when it’s over, I’ll just climb into a comfy wooden box, close the lid, and you all can hold a service the next morning before my burial. I’ll siesta and you’ll fiesta while Boy George sings and wiggles in the background – still fueled from last night’s chemical delights.
(Please RSVP for my epic bash in advance).
But until then – for my current coffee routine – the only thing THC is gonna stand for is tall, hot, and crack-like.