Ah… the old familiar feel of carbon monoxide fume intoxication taking over.
The coffee in your tummy, sloshing to and fro from the stop and go.
The “I’mma be late” induced heartburn.
Just another typical morning commute.
And to make matters worse, you’re stuck behind one of those annoying Dunbar vehicles, wondering what fraction of the cash inside that mothertrucker it would take to solve all your first world problems. How much to get a better home? How much to make your kids not be so needy, demanding food and comfort all the damned time? How much so that it’ll never rain or be not-summer again? Then, just as you’re mid-fantasy about an imaginary lottery that somehow landed you real estate in Hawaiian Narnia (that should be a book. Is it?), it happens.
The anus of the armored car bursts open.
And shits out a sea of green paper, spraying across the lanes of the freeway.
Drivers stop in awe – as if standing at Niagara for the first time.
It’s a traffic jackpot.
That’s what happened a couple days ago in Maryland. But that awe-gazing moment didn’t last long. ‘cause if you’re as poor as me, you know when it’s time for action and when it’s time to pause and thank god. And the first few moments when the whole world turns into a currency version of those snowglobes I had as a child? Yeah, that’d be the former. That’s why these folk did the same – parking in the middle of the road, jumping out, and snatching up the precious rectangles from the asphalt like a stripper awkwardly collecting her sticky earnings from the floor of the stage after her song ends.
The driver of the money truck claimed he hopped out as fast he could.
But we all know the truth. Homeboy was in Murderland. And like anyone with a sliver of grey matter between their ears, he probably knew far better than to try and stop people who are A.) probably poor and B.) Probably packin heat. Armed and desperate are two things the sane don’t fcck with. And that’s why only $200 was actually recovered. Still, the fuzz are trying to send out that message about “return the money or you’ll be punished…”
Eff that noise.
In fact, I’d say that threat’s dumb and they can’t even find these people – then I remember how we’re all living in the 1984 novel and they probably already have scanned their plates from some celestial satellite recorder with such high tech supervision that it can zoom in far enough to see the hairs on the asses of the freeway thieves.
That in mind, would you do this? Knowing you might get caught?
I totally would. Trick is to have your lies ready to go when the cops show up.
“It was covering my window – I had to move it somewhere.”
(or)
“Good job. This was a test to see how effective your location technology is. Here’s the money.”
“Ma’am. This is just a bag of your junk mail.”
“Shhh…shhh. No need to thank me. Just go.”
(or)
“Listen, I should be the one who’s mad. I took time out of my day to clean up a road accident which you should’ve been doing – and this is the thanks I get?! I should get a reward, if anything! Lucky for you, I’m reasonable and will settle for what I’ve collected this morning. Good day.”
“But-”
“YOU GET NOTHING!”