Miss Ashley Pants

(Zing fish FTW.)

Let’s pause.

I’m not a fan of McD’s. It’s got Pennywise as its mascot and the bottom of clown satan’s pitchfork is its golden icon. And now that that’s been said, I can say this: I’m also not a fan of going along with shocking “news” blindly just ‘cause it aligns with my preexisting beliefs about crappy meals. Sometimes I’ll fall prey to my own brain trying to agree with shiz it hasn’t fact checked because I’m human and stuff – but I try not to. So when I saw this thing pop on Facebook about human meat – including that of children – being found in the globs of mystery flesh they serve with a smile, I couldn’t help but wonder how much of it was true.

“Yes… Um, I’d like one Dahmer Whopper. And – I hate to be the picky patron – but, perchance could I pleeease get my meat child still alive?”

Yes, I have to know even if the five people I know who shared it didn’t wonder enough to ask their their search engines the same before clicking the share button (“I can’t be bothered. That’s ten whole seconds of checking snopes and looking for the big green or red true/false button. I’m getting exhausted just thinking about it…”) Does my brain want to jump on the bandwagon and have another reason for everyone to ban the kinda crap that slowly kills us? Sure. But much like that one dude Sir Walter Scott said:

“When on the web, we web-weave lies, we fckk shit up and our cause dies.”

Although there’s a small chance I anachronistically misquoted this poem from the late 1700’s just now, I’m sure Mr. Scott would agree with my metaphorical makeover if he Marty McFlew his ass here and watched a few episodes of Catfish. But even worse than faux personas is when you baste your truth-burger in bullshit grease in the hopes that it’ll sell like fast food itself. Because the truth comes out eventually and then your cause (which was actually quite worthy) gets discredited altogether. People get angry when they’re lied to and they’ll do the opposite of what you say. In fact, just thinking about it kinda makes me want to go to McDonald’s right now. And order the Albert Fish McGriddle.

Stories like these always make me wonder – what if Snopes gets paid to say certain things are true or false? And were will we go when Snopes’ validity gets debunked?

Wait, and who’ll debunk it?

These are the thoughts that rack my mind at night.

And thanks to that farcical article, tonight they’ll all be narrated by Ronald McMurder.