“Take it. Take it all.”
Said the filmmaker (not really, but probably in his mind) to an anaconda, before cocooning himself (whole body, not just his dangle as the misleading quote that never happened suggests) up and being swallowed alive by him. While the event hasn’t happened yet, filmmaker Paul Rosolie does indeed intend to do exactly that. And then he’ll share the video footage in a month. And just exactly what is the point of this David Blaine meets reptilian Moby Dick stunt?
To spotlight the threats faced by Madre de Dios:
“Up until a few years ago the Las Piedras River was so long and isolated that much of its forest and wildlife and people were safe,” Rosolie said. “But recently the Trans-Amazon highway was paved and completed, which caused a number of offshoot roads to cut into what had previously been ancient, untouched forest.”
Ah, oka-…
Wait, what?
We’re trying to go with a “save the Amazon” stance here, yes? I get that the roads are effing with habitats and raping the creature villages and ruining their lives. And our evil intervention with the natural order of god’s creation must be stopped by something that will truly shock people. And that we’re doing this for the animals. But, uh, that still leaves me with at least two questions: 1. What the eff does becoming a snake snack have to do with any’a that? And 2. Why are you doing damage to a creature o’ god when that’s the thing you’re trying to save? That’s not me taking a moral stand. You do as you like. It just gets put as a top priority document in the hypocrite files, if ya ask me.
Naturally, the animal rights peeps are more concerned with my second question. Because when snakes go all Karen Carpenter after a meal, the barf-up juices are hard to replace which can make them sick. Ultimately, they may have to cut this dipshiz out of the snake itself anyway because I’m pretty sure anacondas squeeze their prey at a PSI of precisely: down-syndrome kid clutching a pet hamster. Unless they put him in a pet hamster roll-y ball beforehand. Made outta titanium.
I’m going to have to agree with PETA and company on this one. Not just because it’s cruel to a species of creature I’m not even super fond of, but because of who’s doing it. I mean, if we have to do this stunt, I feel like there are far more appropriate public figures who should volunteer as tribute. Especially when they sing about anacondas wanting their big buns.
See? She’s even putting on the finishing touches.
The upside: We don’t even really need a snake suit. Or to cut her out at the end.
Right? Do we all agree?