“Ashley, you’re going to need to put on a sweater. That’s too distracting.”

Had the high school teacher who said this to me not been so nice, my ready made reply would’ve been, “For whom? Students? Or (*pause to issue elevator eyes*) teachers?” And this exchange (both the IRL compliance and this hypothetical conversation happening in my head) was exactly what I thought of as I read over VICE’s latest article on high school girls being persecuted for rocking crop tops, short skirts, and the like.

As I read on, however, I realized that the eyeroll level was gonna be strong with this feminist tirade including but not limited to arguments such as: “Boys are allowed to take their shirts off when they play sports!” (Yes, after school, mayhaps. But so are soccer girls. They just need a sports bra. That’s not even a dress code rule. That’s mine – so you don’t poke your own eye out before you reach kicking distance of the goal). But it’s not even about that. My snooty scoff at the femme element’s not because I don’t believe in equal rights between duds donned by the sexes. Sure I do. But I also believe in trying another way when your current efforts seem to be failing you. Like a bunch of individual girls writing snotty notes to the principal and expecting him to cross his arms, twitch his nose and grant their demands as a reward for rudeness. That’s the problem with chicks across the species. They dunno how to cooperate. Even lobster ladies will drown each other in a pot of hot water, whereas the dudes’ll form a ladder to help each other out. (#science)

But since I’m now 200 years old and full of wisdom, let me share a prospective solution with you.

That way you can all enjoy your teen years the way they were meant to be enjoyed: with minimum coverage.

First off, instead of turning this into a rape culture thing, I move that the two genders team up here.

I mean, when I was in high school, I didn’t want to sit around and play the sex equivalent of the sibling rivalry game (“But she’s allowed to wear a crop top, mom! Why can’t I?! NO FAIR!”) over wardrobe allowances. No. I wanted what I wanted. Fast. Which was to dress like a fashionable tart when I wanna dress like a fashionable tart. Preferably without getting sent home. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that what most boys wanna see just as much as we want the freedom to wear it? Then, why sit here and have a sartorial dick measuring contest? It seems like it works about as well within the parameters of political activism as it does in a romantic dynamic.

So, instead of finger pointing at the same group that could make an excellent ally, why not recruit them to aid in our cause? It’s almost graduation time, right? I say a fantastic senior prank would be for all the boys to come to school, wrapped up in hot pink yoga pants and hairy belly exposing crop tops. And then when they don’t get sent home for “being distracting to the girls”, then both sides can all petition a great case to prove how unfair that is on so many levels.

Make it non-cheeky, formal, typed up, and signed.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, ladies (“We shouldn’t have to need men to get our rights!”) And, sure, that’s not wrong. But you don’t command power and overthrow a king by whining and crying and protesting your plight. You manipulate the shiz outta him Frank Underwood style till he hands it on over. That’s the fastest way. And I like expedience almost as much as I like getting my way. The fact that guys are signing the document too, would make it un-ignorable inasmuch as the numbers would be too high to disregard. Probably some parents would get involved as well.

And, what’s in it for you dudes?

Landing an unattainable hottie after faking the “dude feminist” role for a day – “10 Things I Hate About You” style.

That’s if there’re any left who haven’t eaten each other alive by the end of it.