When Russell Simmons went to his first yoga class, it wasn’t to get some inner peace.

It was to get some outer piece.

While that changed drastically for him since that first visit, I think that’s what attracts a lot of people – men and women alike. Men wanna ogle dat ass. Chicks wanna own it. But – as many times as I’ve heard these transformation stories and people have tried to explain it to me – I’ve never understood exactly how deep breathing and holding asanas (that means poses) can lead anyone to the kind of weight loss stories I’ve seen. In previous posts, I’ve talked about the whole intrinsic change – the spiritual element of it; we feel less like face-stuffing mindlessly and more like doing healthy, active stuff when we’re more balanced and our somatic ear’s tuned just right. But after reading this IFL article on fat loss, I’m wondering if maybe there’s more to this fat blasting practice than meets the third eye. And – I’m thinking – the key to fat blasting in this seemingly just-standing around-in-Lululemons practice may very well start with the first rule of their club:

Your breath.

Or “pranayama” as they call it.

Because, apparently, we breathe out a good bit of our fat.

I was kinda floored when I read this. Don’t you remember hearing as a kid how “you can’t lose fat cells”? Even when we lose weight, they’re still there? While that may still hold true, I suppose it’s akin to those little bathroom oil gel beads my mom used to get and I’d take a hammer from the garage to – ya know, just to see what’d happen. And what happened? The insides painted the walls like a scene outta American Psycho while the shell remained flattened, that’s what. So, what’s the nature of that metaphorical molecular fat gel exploding out of us and painting the walls of our gyms? Carbon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen. Unlike those scented gels, we obviously can’t see it.

And also unlike those gels (more unfortunately), it doesn’t smell as nice when it happens.


“I’m actually covering a thong shaped sweat stain….#YogaPantsFTW”

Speaking of back-sides, let’s back-track for a second here and cite some sources.

So, this study comes out of South Wales and was recently published in the British Medical Journal. Andrew Brown, who worked out these updated calculations has said, “There is surprising ignorance and confusion about the metabolic process of weight loss.” Then, his colleague added, “The correct answer is that most of the mass is breathed out as carbon dioxide. It goes into thin air.”

Carbon Dioxide? Thin air? I need more…

So, when you sit there, watching “How I Met Your Mother” and eating your feelings, what’s happening to all the deposits you’re making into your gut junkyard – from right then to your guilt run at 5 A.M. tomorrow? Simply put, you’ve got heaps of extra carbs and proteins in you. Stuff you don’t need. They become triglycerides (ah, okay – that’s the carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen we already said you expel during your workout). But before they’re released, those triglycerides need a holding cell until we cardio release them from this incarcerated state. Thus, lipid droplets called fat cells provide the perfect place for them to stay until you tap the treadmill toggle (or start some rapid breath of fire on your mat in a studio) and meet the caloric bail to set ’em free. What happens halfway into that sesh? These jailbird triglycerides of C,H, and O leave you partially as water (H2O) and partially as carbon dioxide (CO2).

Boom. We breathe out our fat. Boom. Science.

Specifically (for those of you planning to logistically breathe yourself dizzy over this new info), in order to nix 10 kg of human fat (22 lbs), we’ve gotta do more than just a bunch of flow yoga (bummer). That’s where cardio’s a necessity too. Because you’ll need to inhale 29 kg of oxygen (around 64) – so we can produce 28 kg of CO2. Try and do that hyperventilating alone and you’ll just pass out. Oh, and part of that whole equation’s also released as 11 kg of water too – in the form of stuff like sweat, piss, tears.

(Presumably all three, simultaneously, if you’re trying his through a Bikram class.)

And, actually, there may be more relevant truth to that sarcastic joke I just made than you’d think. ‘cause –as one of my previous articles touched on – the CO2 buildup we experience in classrooms, boardrooms, gyms, and yoga studios alike can become more intoxicating and counterproductive than fat-blasty and healthy. Too many peeps breathing out CO2 + Not enough new Oxygen coming in = everyone breathing in eachother’s outbreath instead of expelling it. It’s CO2 on top of CO2.

Just like this gif is cat on top of cat:

The cure?

Smaller, open-air yoga classes, cardio outdoors, and hit the gym when it’s quietest. All three. ’cause you may not get your daily CO2 emission requirement met from yoga alone, but it certainly helps. And if you are a yoga fanatic, you should know health’s about balance anyway. Just for kicks – though – how much of that CO2 actually gets breathed outta you? A whopping 8.4 kg (18.5 lbs.) So, there you have it. The yogis and their “focus on your breath” advice can help our “outer piece” just as nicely as our “inner peace”. And since the most important organ in your workout (whether it’s yoga or kickboxing) is your pipes – mayhaps a cardio calculator revamp’s in order?

Dear Apple: how does “iPranay” sound? As a generated reboot of the Fitbit-point-next?