I used to love horror films.
But, in my old age, I’ve become a milktoast pussy. Maybe it’s the whole living alone thing. Maybe it’s the lack of chemicals that used to make hewn limbs dancing around weak narratives seem like “art”. Who knows. All’s I know is that gone are the days of Rob Zombie-thons and pausing my life to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre when it came on T.V.. That said, I do love a good, creative haven’t-seen-this-before hair raiser. Cabin in the Woods (despite what some have to say about its originality) was a fantastic example of exactly that – and I’ve been looking to give something new the time of day ever since.
Now, according to everyone who’s seen it, I may get my chance – with “It Follows”.
A sex hex?
This is almost too much fun.
What I like about this is that they take that whole laughable accessory-rule of every retro scream feature out there (whoever fccks first, gets Jason’s bloody blade), and turn it into a plot itself. That’s like… whatever the inverted version of an inception is – taking something we all pass off as common scary-movie knowledge but never give much thought to, and giving enough thought to it to turn it into film fodder.
#facts
If you didn’t watch the trailer above, the rundown’s basically that the protagonist is haunted by this venereal spirit that she inherited via some phantom fornication chain letter. How’d she get it? The same way you get that other disease we all hate (pregnant) – by bumpin’ uggz with in the back of a car with some stranger. The twist is that he knew he had it, and passed it on to her to rid himself of it. Now she has to do the same. That’s before it catches her, kills her, and then reverses back down the chain like a homicidal version of the A.A. fourth step sex inventory. Only thing I’m wondering is, how the eff did he manage to perform with that thing coming (pardon the pun) after him all the time? I feel like that level of anxiety’d stymie even the male libido.
Though I’ve not yet seen it, it seems kinda like “Shutter” meets “The Ring”.
And the reviews, thus far, aren’t too shabby. Which is great news – not just for me, who’s seeking some mindless eye food for later – but also for a very large group of teens in a Texas high school who’re spreading Chlamydia to each other like an Oprah giveaway fiesta.
(Texas GroinSick Massacre? Eh? Eh?!)
Great question, Miss George.
And I’m not here to judge, but I feel like mayhaps the fact said school has no sex-ed and just brushes that whole crucial bit of human development under the rug in an institution that’s basically a hormone monsoon may contribute to that. Just slightly. My suggestion? Well, I’m not one for preaching abstinence, but you may not have to. Since the reactch. I’m hearing to fans of “It Follows” is “I’m never having sex again!”, perhaps we could entertain these teen reprobates into abstaining. Couldn’t hurt to send a DVD copy home. Ya know – along with that letter you had to send that would’ve been about flu shots or bullying or senior prank punishment when I was in high school, but instead now looks more like this:
Have a beautiful day!
And don’t forget to wrap your Jimmies, kids!