Is your santa sack still empty like mine is?
I’ve literally not bought so much as gift wrap yet, so I’m glad I stumbled across a few fun ideas online today. As ever, though, I got caught up in the novelty section of Target’s gift shop while searching for serious gifts people won’t hate me for getting. And being the kind Christmas-spirited person that I am, I took a moment out of my day to list a sprinkling of them for you. Here are six to consider. You can thank me later for this early gift of me sharing my time and thoughts (this means I don’t have to buy you a real gift now, right?) with you:
1. This wineglass in midnight black:
Sure, everyone knows you’re justified should you lapse into temporary alcoholism for the entirety of winter to cope with sharing your zone of inhibition with blood relatives. Except Aunt Mable. She doesn’t know. And you just can’t with that disapproving Queen-of-England glare she always wears around you. To be fair, that might just be the look of an old-before-her-age lady taking advantage of her Depends. But why risk feeling judged? Why not hide your ever brimming goblet of sauvignon blanc behind this shield of opaqueness?
“No, no… I’ve been nursing this same glass all night.
The dog must have absconded with those three missing bottles you speak of…”
2. A ceramic Bambi?
Wait, didn’t I see this in a Kubrick movie?
Ah, wait. Nevermind.
Way different:
On the real, though, this is a legit perfect POS piece to have around.
It feels just bougie enough that you still wanna break it after a long day of having to yell at incompetent people who don’t deserve to share your oxygen. But it’s also cheap enough that the anger-holic’s regret you get after relapsing into rage and pitching it against the kitchen cabinet – is significantly diminished. Yes, I say get yourself or someone who’s easily vexed this gift.
If nada else, it’ll help reduce the damage done on the next item on my list.
3, This Munchausen armor:
This thing (called a “Giga ball”?) is more a gift for you than them – because you know that moment’s gonna come eventually. Don’t pretend to look confused. You know what moment I mean. The one when you throw them down the stairs? For leaving their lego bricks out one too many times in the hallway? And wouldn’t it be great if they were in this thing so you could both break their bone-breaking fall and claim you were just playing during your momentary break from sanity?
“What? You left your toys out, darling, so I assumed we were having playtime! Wasn’t that fun?! Let’s go again!”
4. Batman robe
Why?
Because I challenge you to go into your brain right now and find a single human penis owner you know who wouldn’t love you at least a little bit for buying him anything batman. “She really…*sniff*… knows me.” Protip: If it’s a dude you’re dating, just don’t up the ante too much on the comic book material every gift-giving holiday. You’ve got to do at least a few shitty Christmases between good birthdays and so-so anniversaries to make them miss and appreciate it all over again when it’s gone. Stay on an upward curve and they start getting ungrateful and expecting expensive Ebay bought stuff signed by the likes of Stan Lee until even that’s yawn-worthy. Trust me, I’ve stupidly made this mistake more than once in other interest-genres #lessons
5. No:
I hate this movie on a personal level.
And it has zero to do with Jordan or the plot I don’t remember.
No, it’s because of the poster. I had to look at it pasted to the garage wall every time my mom would make me go out and practice basketball. Now, when I look at it, I can still feel that horrible bumpy rubber sphere between my angry red fingertips. The last time I had to look at it was the year I “accidentally” broke my leg and had to wear a cast. I was good at the game, so the coach tried to woo me back onto the team when I got better. I politely declined and switched to a sport where I could wear sluttier shorts. (see: volleyball). I’m only listing this movie as a visual reminder of what not to get your loved ones. Because I hate it so much by now that I’m pretty sure it’s bad luck for anyone to possess anything having to do with it at all. That’s how much I hate it. So much that it’s now cursed like videotape in the “The Ring” because I was like the dead girl in the well looking up at that metal rim-ring above me for so long.
Point is: you’ll kill the people you love if you buy this for them. So don’t.
NEXT.
6. This flask:
Which would only be appropriate for peeps I know if it “lit”-erally lit people up.
As in, every time they go to take a sip, there’s an electrical current that shocks them the same way as when you lick your finger and try to stick it in an outlet. Does this do that? If so, I’ll buy them in bulk. I’ll need to. Because a few libation induced full-body firework catapult seshes might short out the flask, but it ain’t gonna stop any of the ardent imbibers I know. Not easily anyway. If anything, it’ll probably just generate a “thissome good shit” reactions.
Well, that was fun for me. I hope it helped you a little too.
More to come -that’s if Christmas doesn’t first.
#tendaystogo