“I need this dog in my life for Christmas,” I said to myself the second I saw this:

However, how this creature came to be suddenly sparked a thought-debate between my sister and I today:

Sis: How the hell do they mate?

Me: Have you ever seen how high those lil dogs can jump?

S: I’m really trying to imagine this.

M: Think of it like a slam dunk – good ups and impeccable aim!

M: (… with really good upper body strength to hang onto the rim for as long as it takes to win the game)

Right? Because otherwise big dog has to lay uber flat in a snow angel position? Unless we’re talking about the little female dog – who doesn’t realize what she’s bark-ained for when she suddenly finds herself getting murdered by a monster mutt dong? Confusing scenario to envisage. The kind that evokes sympathy pains for either hypothetical hound party.

Which, I suppose, was the one redeeming factor when I found out…

This dog’s not real.

And now, a special thanks to the fact-trolls of the internet who ruined Christmas for me. Because now I know what this consciousness imbued toy with four legs (and would be companion next fifteen or twenty years) really is. And that’s this:

A Finnish Lapphund.

(Is “lapphund” not-English for “lap dog”?)

And the internet snapped a shot of it as a puppy. And then they started up the kind of lie that makes people want to go buy some nonexistent designer dog only to be disappointed when it ends up growing to the effing size of Clifford. Meanwhile, there’s one point twelve katrillion canines, sat in shelters all year round. And this Christmas, they’re all awaiting the death penalty for either being inconvenient or receiving an altogether wrongful conviction after little Tommy’s allergies started acting up this past summer.

Regardless of size, unless a specialty pup happens to be stuck in that death row scenario, you can have ‘em.

I’ll take another rescue Rover next time.

’cause if she’s anything like the one I’ve got now, it’ll be a Christmas gift to the both’a us.

(*Secretly hopes to encounter Finnish Lapphund puppy next shelter trip*)