If you’re a fellow femme whose early 20’s were anything like mine, then dressing slutty probably got you far.

It got me flowers. It got me out of tickets.

But has it ever gotten you out of a one way ticket to the wrong side of the flowers?

Well, it did for this one British chick, Zoe Turner, who decided she was gonna dress up like a cross between Billie Piper’s “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” and an ancient Asian girl’s foot one evening. The plan was sweet and simple: A Christmas party about half an hour away. A taxi cab for safety. A cheap rose colored Body Con dress. Thus, the 21 year old undergrad bound her torso into a suffocating sanguine shaded burrito prior to her night on the town, and then hopped into a cab with a few of her friends.

But they didn’t make it far.

Pretty soon into their trek through traffic, a giant cement truck decimated the car. The friend who was sat in the front seat went headfirst through the windshield. Meanwhile, the other few friends were rendered unconscious following the impact. Zoe – who suffered a fractured pelvis, fractured vertebra, and broken sternum – probably wasn’t feeling too awesome. Especially after the initial accident-adrenaline wore off. But the doctors all confirmed it would’ve been exponentially worse…if not for the slutty dress she’d been wearing when the crash happened.

What.A.Trollop… I would never have worn anything that ba-

Wha-…! Where?! Where did you get this? (*Batman voice*) “ANSWER MEEEEE!”

So – dressing whorey prevents the morgue?

Sounds ridiculous, no?

Yes. Yes, it does. So let’s consult science:

The reason this slut glove was so vital for Zoe’s survival is the same reason it looks so good and turns your lady shape into a vase. It’s not just form fitting, but form hugging – relying on all sortsa of fabric wizardry to hold you in sans appearing bulky. Ya know – kinda like how satan spider silk is ridiculously strong or a vest can stop a bullet. In that way, the doctors claim, the bodycon dress was tight enough that it acted like “an old-fashioned corset and stopped her bones from popping out and perforating her vital organs.”

So, there ya go, mom and dad. Gives you something to think twice about next time you wanna harass your daughter about going to a house party in that sexy senior’s Camaro. Because this hussy hugging frock is basically like an extra seatbelt for her soul to stay in its body. Ultimately, you just hafta decide on the lesser of two evils: a giant load of cement? Or giant load of seme-…


Too far?


Afterthoughts: This could be a fantastic marketing scheme. Aim it at the parents. Have the commercials star crash test dummies that are full’a jelly and bone cavities, wearing these things, and careening into concrete. And then cut to clips of a guy in a doctor’s coat making a serious face while saying to an imaginary person off-camera, “She’d be alright – but her friend who was clothed from head to toe… would have a toe tag.” Pan to red gelatin splattered across the screen, falling down, and revealing the company catchphrase:

“Whatever she wears, she’ll get hit on. But will wearing a seat belt be enough…. when she gets hit head-on?”