I still haven’t finished the Sons of Anarchy finale, but you know what I did see?
An interview. With Charlie Hunnam. Using his real accent. The one I didn’t know he had.
As I started hearing him relay an anecdote about his house getting burgled in this Christopher Walken meets British royal voice, I had one of those moments of what the Toltec’s called “mitote” and modern people call cognitive dissonance. The illusion that I thought I knew was fake had been spotlighted momentarily only to be shattered once again in front of my very eyes. It was like when you invite a stripper over for the after party and she shows up with her heels off and her sweats on. This letdown was almost the perfect way to go into the season finale of this show for which I’ve developed a love hate sentiment. So you won’t mourn the good seasons when it’s finally over. It’s like a nice chaser of acceptance, when coupled with the fact that Kurt’s been boring us to death before killing off all his characters like a cruel Old Testament god. “Okay,” I reminded myself yet again, “Sons of Anarchy isn’t real. They’re just people with weird accents in real life and not actually murderous psychopaths who-…”
“Wait…”
“An SOA actor did what?”
Welp, this definitely wasn’t the fantasy-translated-to-reality I wanted. At all.
This dude, who’s almost 50, had a breakup with his chick before trying to carry on living in the same place for a while as roomies. But things went from “The Breakup” to “Fatal Attraction” after the ex-girlfriend expressed a desire to take their breakup to the next level and stop living under the same roof. His response was to wait till she left, take her bunny out of its cage, and punctuate its life with the puncture of his knife. At least I really hope he killed it first. Because what he did next was skin the poor fluffy fucker and eat it – documenting the entire morbid affair so he could send it to her step by step like some personalized grisly insta-tweet sesh.
Part of me thinks “It’s L.A. I bet he was having some sorta drug comedown induced psychosis.”
But another part of me wonders – If I get this hooked and deluded from stupid ass T.V. shows – what must it do to the actors playing the same role over and over again, season after season, filming all day? Unlike movie actors who do it and are done with it? Especially if they’re the typecast sort (this dude also did voiceovers for violent video games, apparently). I imagine your identity unravels at least a little bit.
Still, if he’d done this to my pet, I’d hire Marilyn Manson and the Chinese gang to do what they did to Juice.
And then I’d skin him (alive) to be eaten. By someone else.
‘cause, ya know. I’m vegan.
