Ever been told “you should smile” – by anyone?

Once upon a time, it was indirectly said to me – by a boss I had. He sent me an article about how it “takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile”. Not one to miss a chance to spar in my favorite game of passive aggression, I replied, “Great article! I was hoping they’d add this other related study I read recently. It’s about how people mistake ‘not smiling’ for ‘frowning’ all the time. The former requires zero muscles at all!”

I never got a response.

Maybe he wasn’t expecting me to think outside of the box – but that’s what happens when you get passive advice. Or, ya know, maybe that’s just what happens when you get any advice at all regarding what to do with your mug muscles – as this hilarious video demonstrates:

I’m still trying to decide if I find the feminist undertones of this annoying or not.

So, I’ll revisit my ex-job analogy to compare the gender disparity and how people approach scowl-ery in general. I had a male coworker who also went through phases of that James Dean expression when something was troubling him. He would just get pulled in for a man-to-man chat when he was rocking the douche-expresh, while I got the kid gloves treatment. Why was that? Could it be the same reason we tell anyone any kind of advice at all? We’re afraid of what we’ll hear if we ask versus assume? And we double our assumption when we factor in gender? Women do tend to be more emotional. I think when a male boss knows there’s a tendency for a chick to get all teary eyed at work and interrupt the rest of the workday flow with her feminine feels and potential resentment, they try the path of least resistance.

(Unless you’ve got the Marky Mark gene like I do.)

You pull a dude aside, you might risk the above scenario.

But nine times out of ten (an unchecked statistic we employ all the time for some reason), you’ll know he’s probably got an ego he’s worried about protecting and won’t respond like a whimpering puppy. It took a little bit for my boss to realize he could just do this latter thing with me too – and that I had a nice fake ego I wore for work along with my gallon of makeup. We got on alright after he realized this preconceived gender disparity didn’t apply with me. I could always cry later. Or eat my feelings. Out of an Rx bottle. But what actually happened was that we got into a rhythm of openly talking about the cause of my bitchy resting face whenever it popped up. To the point where I actually wore it less and less. That’s what happens when humans communicate #themoreyouknow

But what about outside of the workplace?

With people you don’t know?

If you feel brave enough to breach the talk-to-a-rando line, that’s great! Congratulations on giving into your human tendencies! But is advice devoid of context the way to do it? Instead, can you build on that bravery by having a non-professional pow wow with them for like five minutes? Because technology has made us so out of touch with how to genuinely connect, it’s easy to forget social etiquette the few times we try to go out on a limb. We also tend to forget that if people get offended, it’s because there’s a very tight connection between our emotions and our facial expressions. Telling another human – woman or man – to smile is tantamount to telling them to change a symptom of how they’re feeling and stop being a pussy about the problem.

’cause your shrew-face is ruining my day.

Yes, even if your loved ones just died.

Oh! You didn’t know their loved one just died?

Geez. Well, then, was it wise to assume they just enjoy looking like an asshole?

Wait, wait, okay…

Instead of me being hypocritical and telling you (a stranger) what to tell other strangers, I’ll ask: When was the last time you asked a sad person “Are you okay?” instead of just indirectly telling them to fake it till they make it? It’s exhausting – I understand. Sometimes I’ll hear this beleaguering list of problems and dunno what to say to make them feel any better. So, I’ll stand there, suppressing exasperated sighs of boredom while racking my brain for my own kid-glove advice, while internally asking myself, “Why’d I ask?!”. But that’s when I have to remember – sometimes people don’t need or want advice. Or to feel “better” right away. Suffering’s part of being human. But it diminishes with time and human connection (#sciencefact: we release Oxytocin when we connect in times of stress). Plus, they likely know deep down what they need to do – but they just want where they’re at right now to be heard and understood by someone, before they can reach that resolution on their own.

I can’t offer advice on the details of how to apply this to the next frowny-face you see.

(Would you take it anyway it if I did?)

But I have been getting a lot of practice trying lately, which I can share.

And the best thing I’ve come up with so far is:

1. Listening to them.

2. Saying “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that….”

3. “…but I’m so glad that you’re alright/have a good doctor/didn’t get hurt worse in that accident/(or whatever else I gleaned from thing 1)”

Would it be so hard to take a five minute pow-wow like the ones we’d do at work?

And make a stranger’s day slightly better?

Connecting with strangers is scary. So, I won’t send you in unarmed without a very excellent tool from my secret set of skills. Thus, here’s my protip of the day: If you set a timer on your phone, you can pretend like you’re getting an important call from work. Beautiful cure for a case of vocal diarrhea.

“Terribly sorry!

Must take this! It’s my boss.

He’s telling me I need to smile …more…”