Gee, is it already time for the annual AshleyPants boyfriend applications to be distributed?

Time sure does fly.

And, fortunately for you, it will go by just as fast when you’re filling it out. ’cause there’s only, like, one requirement on it. Or maybe two. I forget. So let’s review: Point one: Must be smart enough to pass a TEAS exam for entry into PTA school. Point two (Oh, look. I lied.): Must be a cheater – willing to take said TEAS exam for me. Point three: Must look a bit like me (which is both narcissism and a necessary yes-and to carrying out point two successfully). Don’t judge me. This shiz’s boring AF. And as much as I prep for it, I’m retaining zero point zero of whatever this garbage I’ll never use is that’s infiltrating my grey matter.

Which means a need a lover to infiltrate the test site. And pass this monster for me.

Like this courageous Kazakhstanian who did it for his bish.

(Amendment; point four: Must carry off high pitched voice, and chick gear better’n this whole-hearted intention with half-assed results.)

Looks painfully believable – but the ensemble doesn’t match the attitude. Should’ve gone for a SuicideGirl style chick in denim look instead. Something tells me there wouldn’t need to be too much Buffalo Bill style tucking to pull that off for his girl (though literally pulling it off would work far better #howdeepisyourlove). And, speaking of romantic things (tell me you didn’t swoon to “Goodbye Horses”), that’s exactly what they’re calling this story over there. A chivalrous gesture. A romantic move. So much so that businessdudes who’ve heard about this tale are offering to pay off the fine that homie got charged after getting caught sounding like a bad impresh of Jack Lemmon in “Some Like It Hot”.

(Amendment; point five: Must be willing to get your permanent record wrecked for me.)

And what ramifications is the chick who put him up to this suffering? Apparently, she just has to wait a year before she can take the test herself. WTF? A non-punishment and she’s still allowed to take it later? I’m pretty sure over here we’d get disqualified on the spot. Do not pass go. Do not collect an acceptance letter or diploma. Straight to Drive Thru U. Lucky for you (whoever has the balls to be a woman for a day) that won’t be as much of a career-ending concern, obvi, ‘cause I already have a biology degree to fall back on. A real college bachelor’s that’s already proven endlessly useful in various scenarios. In fact, if you turn around that application in your hand, you’ll see part of it’s on the back there. (My toilet paper roll in the guest restroom comprises the rest of it.) Yeah, this program’s kinda already my Plan B with which I haven’t supplemented an alternative if I fail. So, while it may not seem as serious as placing in university, we’re kinda sorta in the same boat gravity-of-the-situation-wise – this Kazakh chick ‘n me. Which obviously means that before this year’s up, we’ll both have to do some serious learning for that exam.

For example, learning how to go lez and seduce an optimal doppelganger before test day.

(Amendment; point six: effective henceforth, there will be a vaginal prerequisite for all boyfriend applicants).