I always promise myself I won’t get into petty online comment volleys.

So whenever I relapse, I try to do what any spiritual guru will tell me:

To forgive myself and remain present through my dark hour.

The other day, I managed to muddle through my giving-in by thinking outside the Youtube comment box. In reality, I didn’t anticipate to start an argument. But whenever I see a loose seam somewhere in language or reality, I pull at it a little bit. And then before I know it, I’m unraveling the whole sweater like the 90’s Weezer song – and anyone else’s clothing too if they dare get near me. It rarely takes long before somebody else jumps in with a “yes-and”. Unfortunately, some people get insecure and sensitive right when the fun begins. But, I always feel justified in defending myself and those who haven’t done anything wrong. As this particular convo initiated when someone was rude to a girl who’d left the video poster a kind compliment, I decided to take out my mental Hatori Hanzo sword and give it a little practice on poor, unassuming, involuntary sparring partners.

Plus, it was a slow writing day for me.

I was bored.

And procrasturbating

HostDisorder (to original poster): What if I f**ked you right in the pussy?

MissAshleyPants: +HostDisorder versus left in the pussy?
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Paul Edwards: +MissAshleyPants Woah, I think I must have been doing it all wrong… I knew about the up and down thing but there’s a left and right thing too? 🙂
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James Bond +Paul Edwards Ashley pants likes it in the ass. I can tell by her photo..)
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Paul Edwards +James Bond I decline to comment… other than to say that’s quite a skill you’ve got there… must be a James Bond thing.
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MissAshleyPants +James Bond Awww… you sure know women, Mr. Bond! I can tell by your photo that you don’t know the difference – and by your one eyed smiley face that you like it in the skull. You know, I’m a bit ill equipped to help you out there naturally. But I’m sure I could find something serrated in my kitchen to improvise for the sake of your quaint proclivities, you sexy non-Connery! Have a lovely day! <3 <3 <3 Reply • MissAshleyPants +Paul Edwards Apparently, we’ve all missed the mark, Paul! But, to be fair, he was posing it as a hypothetical, what with the “what if” and all. Maybe this conceptual sex organ resides on some M-brane or otherworldly quantum plane and that’s why it has a “left” orientation. Maybe it’s even Mr. Bond’s world – and it doubles as a wormhole into the rear. A never-ending infinite loop where fetuses and feces chase one another for all eternity.
And they all lived happily ever after.
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James Bond +MissAshleyPants Oh Ashley , you sure told me. I was just joking.. but seriously could u bend over lmao 🙂
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MissAshleyPants I did, didn’t I?! 🙂 Would love to, but I’m in a long term monogamous relationship with this green tea soy latte that Monsanto was probably involved in somehow. And don’t laugh your ass all the way off now, darling. It’ll make all these propositions for fornication pretty pointless when someone finally complies!
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MissAshleyPants +James Bond I don’t know how to internet. That last one’s for you.

Paul Edwards +MissAshleyPants Ahh I see. Are you saying that if HostDisorder veered left in a desperately vain attempt to get TranscendedCosmos to notice that his winkywoo existed at some miniscule point in space time, that he would actually find himself emerging from JamesBond’s rear entrance and that on some extra dimensional level this is probably actually happening right now? That’s kinda profound if you don’t mind me saying. 🙂
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MissAshleyPants +Paul Edwards “It’s only logical….”

Finally, the ego stroke I live for. Doled out by mystery surfers of the interwebs.

Good effort, everyone.

Work on your game and maybe you can apply to be my verbal kung fu wingmen one day.