Ever wonder what the valet does once in your Ferrari?
Me either. Because I’ve never been in a Ferrari and my last valet encounter was at the ER.
But for the woefully wealthy, it’s a nuisance they must face every day if they’d like to lunch with Lindsay and maintain an appearance of relevance in their glittering social strata.
“I was certain I had a couple more of these “
So I had a laugh when Good Morning America did its annual “what valets do in your Porsche” story. Granted, they only have like a two minute time slot (once edited) to share on air their fluffy same-shit-different-year story. But this one felt like there was genuinely less research than run-time.
I think they maybe took their hidden camera to all of one and a half locales – where the ultimately blurred out valet drivers’ faces were shown pilfering bills from wads in center consoles, manning Maseratis like soused sea captains, and filling the seats with their buddies like Mexic-…
Like a clown car.
Anyway, so the reporter recounts this quick tale… And what?
Did the drivers get confronted? That’s what I wanna see. Some good old fashioned rub-the-retriever’s-nose-in-his-shit shaming.
Like in this story:
“Who you gonna believe? Me or your eyes?!”
And the total lack of closure in the American version was only exacerbated by some self-proclaimed expert in the social hack field who decided to chime in. His suggestion?
“Leave a tip on the dashboard before you pass over your keys – as a preemptive tip. This encourages better care of your car”.
Pre-emptive tipping?
Just to not nick my shit or pretend you’re Vin Diesel?
That’s like pre-paying a waiter to not flambé your food with phlegm.
If I had an income of this ilk, I might just do what the anchors did: affix hidden cameras of my own. And while I’m out playing tennis, my servants can review them and list the thieves for me. That way when I retire at the end of the day and feel the weight of that vast void no money can fill, I can momentarily ease my suffering with one cozy phone call…
…that gets them all fired so their families end up on the street.
“My help caught your help taking my money. Please send me their recorded reaction after getting shit-canned so I can fap to it later… That’s all.”
