Ever dread something so much that’d you’d fake your own abduction to avoid it?
Work?
Jury Duty?
Your friends forcing you to see Frozen Part 2? (It’s only a matter of time.)
Well, one little shit faked his own kidnapping to avoid… wait for it… the dentist. The twelve year old hates his dental check ups so much, that he ran away to a neighboring town. When he was found, he gave a stereotypical description of a Disney style villain: European, scar, tall, molestor-mobile… So…
…you were kidnapped by Gru and Tony Montana’s lovechild?
Finally (after being brought in for questioning a second time) the boy admitted he’d made up the entire story to avoid the infamous drill wielding harbinger of tooth torture. If it helps you, little dude, just remember that within a few years or so, you won’t have to dread the old molar drill. They’ve got that electric-remineralization thing coming out which’ll be totes ouchless.
But – wait. What if the kidnapper was for real? And the detectives just did that thing where they stick the kid under a spotlight and bully him for hours into a false confession about fabricating the whole thing? They do that with adults all the time and kids are like… way more impressionable, right? So, somewhere out there Despicable Me meets Lovely Bones is off, roaming free. Who knows, maybe they even have the same tooth doctor.
And what ominous life event would prompt me to fake a kidnapping?
At first, I thought of that Alicia Silverstone movie – where she pretends to be stolen and sends her dad a ransom (to get both money and her pop’s attention, I think? It’s been a while). But I’ll do you one better: winter. That’s right. I’d rather have nice warm weather year round and stage my own abduction to avoid Jack Frost than land a cash pile or daddy’s love. Here in VA, when summer comes, it feels like a brilliant, luscious, paradise of sunlight and foliage. But when winter comes, it transmogrifies into Nightmare Before Christmas meets Nightmare on Elm street without all the fun musical numbers. (So, basically just Freddy Krueger chasing me in snowboots with icicles for finger knives.)
Thus, when the temp drops this year, why don’t we all just stage our very own Very Brady Sequel style kidnapping? We’ll just surreptitiously sneak away from our jobs and lives, one by one, and meet up in Hawaii…
