So, if you fork out $2,000 for a meal… what would you expect to get?

I’m thinking them actual forks better be doing musical numbers.

belledin

Because that’s exactly how much the fee is to dine at Hard Rock Ibiza’s new restaurant, Sublimotion. The establishment just opened this past May in Playa d’en Bossa and it sounds like the perfect place for the rich and wanna-be-famous to sit around and perform passive aggressive one-upmanship while enjoying a 20 course (yes, that’s right) meal from a Michelin starred chef.

Looks like it too, judging from the snappies. I honsetly didn’t know what “Michelin chef” meant at first. And to be honest, the only reason I looked it up was because the first story I heard on this said this “unparalleled gastro-sensory venture” was headed by a “two-star Michelin chef”.

So… are we eating on a tire? While floating down a river? Wait, are we gonna snack while tubing?! They did say adventure! (or was it “venture”?)

accepted

Sadly, no. And two stars doesn’t sound like a lot – but apparently when Michelin’s involved it’s a B.F.D. in the culinary world.

A concession I’ll make is that I do like the idea chef Paco Roncero has of bringing art and technology into a whole dining experience and having people gather in groups of 12 to really think about what they’re eating and laugh and be wowed. For one, I like anything that involves science and creativity. Also the idea of attaching any mindful emotions to gobbling down vittles other than the usual standard American anxiety-nomming is pretty fantastic. And from a business standpoint, it’s good that he was smart enough to bring on a team of experts to make it a “complete and unprecedented emotional experience”.

But we all know people don’t really need to dole out two G’s a plate to get an emotional sensory experience. We haven’t become that unimaginative, have we? I can do that by bringing a fruit platter to the beach. Or lake. Or my porch. I like to call it “mindful nomming”. What you do is turn off your T.V. and stop doing anything else… while you (wait for it) eat. And then you try to actually taste your food as you chew. And then you chew it for a while – before you swallow it. Nuckin futs, right?

The most eccentric expensive restaurants I’ve been to were only weird to me because I was sheltered and didn’t realize things like floor eating or rotating belts of sea-meat existed until my late teens. All the others were just cool ’cause they made me feel like Posh Spice with their mansion locations and menus of pricey-made-priceyer when the last season of “The L Word” got recorded there (Yamashiro, anyone?) You know what’s funny, though? While we’re here making lavish L.A. Japanese restaurants that sit at the tops of picturesque hills, guess what theme Tokyo equates with us when they do food? How about an Alcatraz themed restaurant? That’s right. You get served by zombie nurses in a prison cell with delicious menu options like “incest salad” and syringes full of what’s probably sake.

At the end of the day (or middle – depends on when I’m eating, I suppose), the most spoiled and fortunate I feel is if a restaurant can just get my complicated order right without jizzing into it before bringing it to me.

mahi