In today’s not-news, Mila Kunis is getting sued for stealing a chicken.
Ya know, maybe if she’d hidden her identity behind a fantastic faux hair piece like SIA does when she steals stuff, then she could’ve gotten away with it better. And she could’ve gone un-sued. And she’d now be living a life with her new avian acquaintance like the imaginary characters from Friends did with their duck in that apartment I don’t know how they afforded because they spent about never point never percent of the time doing any actual work and even if they did, it IRL costs more million dollars than there are stars in the galaxy.
But you know, there’s a larger matter at play here.
I don’t mind that Mila nicked a chicken (probably to save its life – who knows #biased).
What bothers me isn’t that Kunis cuffed a farm animal. What bothers me is that she was made to look like a farm animal in this movie I happened upon yesterday called “The Third Person”. Granted, I’m still trying to work out the point of that movie and all the “drowning in a pool” metaphors and whether the whole thing was just a meta narrative where everyone in the side-stories were just characters the main character author was playing out in his brain. But, to be fair, I think at least 75 percent of my inability to sort through or make sense of this crazy story had to do with my distraction of:
A.) That amazing Moby song
(which was playing when I tuned in and the only reason I carried on watching #suckerforsoundtracks)
And:
B.) The fact that they turned Mila into a monster.
(And, sadly, I don’t just mean ‘cause her character tries to asphyxiate her own kid with a dry cleaning bag)
You see? :/ It’s like one step above Charlize transmogrifying into a homicidal butchy hooker.
Except not obvious enough to prove it’s not just the start of the same downward spiral most starlets experience.
I find some fun irony in this whole feather kerfuffle too. Because the woman who’s accusing Kunis is conveniently timing her legal action of the alleged retro-crime (that happened exactly three light years ago) at the same time that she’s releasing a “music video”. After having given it a gander (Ah…?! Get it? Because: bird? Nvm…), Kunis reported via her hubby Punk’dMasterFlex that she was contemplating a countersuit because watching it ‘burned her eyes and hurt her body”. Coincidentally, that’s kinda how I felt watching her egregiously makeunder’d in “Third Person”. After seeing that as her most recent film (even though it was 2013), I’m really glad that “Jupiter Ascending” trailer came out. ’cause now I know she’s still the unattainable Ukrainian beauty that she is.
Knew that sci fi refuse spectacle would be good for something.
But the fact remains: the only one who should be getting sued in Mila news is Paul Haggis for hag-ifying her.
And the people who call this pool of dog diarrhea “news”.