Food is fuel, they say.

But what kinda side effects is our food-fuel having on our body car? Can some of it make me tan? Make me ooze aqueous salt stank? Drive me bat shit crazy? The answer is: yes. According to science. Per an article I just read, there are at least six dietary noms (can’t touch on ‘em all in one day, can we?) that can monumentally eff with or augment your everyday living experience. Which ones make you go ew, oh, ah, or combos of each?

Let’s find out…

1. RED MEAT

Catergory: “Ew”, so they say.

Why? It’s said to make your sweat smell bad.

Now, this one makes a lot of sense to me on an experiential level. I wouldn’t have thought about it on my own, but, yes: that whole “pheromone” thing was different in a less-pleasant way with my more carnivorous intimate man pals of times past. I think back to my sexiest smelling partners and – while they weren’t vegetarians – they did the well rounded diet thing. Lotsa greens and fruits washed down with their strips of Wilbur and mounds of moo-ing meat alike. I’m not going to scale my vegan soap box today; my diatribe legs are too tired. But an experiment was done. And when red-specif flesh ingesters’ sudoriferous vial fumes (AKA their test tubed sweat) were inhaled by femmes, they were deemed less sexy than the non red meat eaters (though I imagine in a sweat sniffing competish, it becomes a lesser-evil thing. Or a false confession. Like when you torture someone until they’re willing to say anything to make you stop). That’s just according to science though. According to the loo in the home of my family I occasionally visit, however, there are even more pungent repercussions. Ya know. Just sayin’. If you’re a female willing to see past the sweat cuzza the beefy physique and sick six pack eating meat’s supposed to give you.

Then again, you could just hunt down this guy Dominick Thompson.

Vegan bodybuilder. No ‘roids. No dietary animal products. WTF is he? Magical?

(I’m biased because I just like how his forehead wrinkles are making the same face he is.)



2. SUGAR FREE CHEWING GUM

Category: “Ew” and “Aghh!”

Why, what’s it doo-doo? A whole lotta the liquid version of the last word in that sentence, apparently.

In fact, I didn’t have to think too hard about this one. I recall drinking sugar-free or sugar-substitute sodas in college during lecture to stay awake past the afternoon “slump”. The other stuff I was drinking in the evenings must’ve been making me next-level ign’ant though, because it took me far too long to realize the obvious. This can of body alarm clock may’ve been waking up my brain. But my bowels got that message loud and clear too. The result? Loud? Yes. Clear? Only after my fifth trip, which was made walking like a cowboy Cartman. And crying a little.

Most people have trouble believing this.

But that’s fine. Like they say, best way to find out what’ll happen to your ass is to learn for yourself.

3. CARATENOIDS

Category? “Ooh!”

Why? Sunburn-less snack induced tan, so they say.

Yeah, I get this one. Back when it was warmer, I started taking on that nice glow-y tone like the bishes in the Jergen’s commercial. “Yes!” I thought “My vegan diet is working, finally!” I wasn’t wrong. But it’s not just any old plate o’ leaves that’ll do it. What you’ve gotta nom on for that heavenly hue is carotenoids. Last year, I wondered why – when I had about as much sun time as Barnabus Collins – I already looked quasi-tan in early spring, but lost my angel-dermis in winter. Probably because when it got cold, the cold fruits and veges I’d been sucking down suddenly lost their appeal. Like a drug craving, fatty cashews and avocados called to me, throwing shade at my aqueous slenderizing snacks (“Fcck those guys! We’ll keep you warm! We’ll build you a quilt of adipose!”). The bastards. Now I’m pale and probably an inch thicker. Ugh. Time to tweak back to my carotenoid infused meals. And what’d those include, you ask? Stuff like: carrots (duh), but also cucumbers, sweet potatoes, dark leafy greens, tomatoes, and… I’m bored. Call Boehner and ask him if you want a real pro. I’m barely even beige right now and not qualified to answer.

Who knows, maybe he’s been the one pilfering my pigment in the night…


#notapoliticalcommentary

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