So, I saw this little cartoon today:

And while I can’t literally relate (inasmuch as I haven’t learned how to mold my femme flesh into a funnel just yet for the purpose of relieving myself while standing upright), I can relate on a “personal space” level. I think everyone can.

Not terribly long ago, I wrote about that new something-awful trend of dudes taking up space on the metro train.

Legs splayed, knees rubbing their neighbor’s knees, assuming the posture of a starfish in their seats while they don a fanny pack paired with shorts an archaeologist might wear – these are just the worst kinds of people. But this problem’s not limited to these unruly dudes, urinals, or even the toilet stalls (which yes, that bothers me – even with a wall there) in a near-empty restroom.

Nay, sir. One of my biggest pet peeves is when this transpires in a car park.

Here I am, in a near empty lot, mentally prepping myself for the amazing run I’m about to enjoy (in any one of the places I drive to for my jogs). Then you come in and just park your busted ass right next to mine like a European on an elevator, totally desecrating my few tranquil moments I spend stretching. What is this? Safety in numbers? I’m 100% positive that if you get back in your jalopy and reposition it in that spot ‘cross the lot, we’ll all come back to fully intact cars with fully intact bodies. I can’t guarantee you won’t if you don’t, though. Plus, you have a whole family with you and it’s broad daylight. I don’t think the Boogeyman’s gonna get you should you remove yourself from my general vicinity. And if they do, I promise with every fiber of my being, I’ll come all the way across this asphalt to kick ass and rescue all five of you and your dog – provided that you just backtrack from my area immediately. And stop pretending that we’re pals. Same goes for those bathroom stalls, ladies. Just because you and I belong to the same species and are the mutual grandchildren of astral diarrhea, doesn’t mean we have to go all Mr. Rogers on eachother.

So, the rule is this:

If any of my senses experience altered activity due to your sudden proximity, we gon’ have problems.

Whether I’m prepping for a run or you’ve got the runs.