And today in butthurt parenting, we bring you:
Toy penises
No, not those. I mean, literal, actual plastic penises on the toy dolls kids play with. The ones where you change their diapers because they pissed themselves that are selling at Toys R Us. Indeed, a buncha moms took to Facebook with their imaginary soapboxes to voice their vexations about these lewd trinkets ending up in their homes. How dare these toy companies murder their children’s innocence with scientific realities?!
Wait, I’m gonna need a Gosselaar pause for a second here.
Can we just ask ourselves for a moment why these toys have been around for toddlers since forever in the first place? Like, who thought up the idea to intubate a doll with an esophageal straw that extends all the way down to the urethra… and then hand it over to a single digit human who’s just trying to enjoy Mexican Adventure Time in peace before she ends up the star of one channel up’s Teen Mom?
Which will be in just five years anyway?
Wait – was it a Mormon mom who came up with this idea?
To start diaper-delegation training on her tots early so she’d have a “little helper” when she keeps shizzing out kids she can’t afford? Because I sorta feel like that’s exactly what is was. These kinds of dolls that piss and cry and do other stuff that mimic real life biological ongoings in our body are deemed totally okay. So if it’s okay to mimic anatomical functions, why shouldn’t it be okay to mimic the actual anatomy itself? We use our between the thigh prizes for more than ho watering hoses and seminal receptacles, yes? Sure your nether noodle can crunch some serious crotch, but is that what you use it for more often than not? Hopefully, you piss out of it more frequently (and if you don’t, you need to hydrate better, darling). So why be a bunch of backward Victorian cognitive dissonant idiots? Why keep it dangling behind illusory drapery like some educational evil Eden apple? They’re gonna see yours or their siblings or that kid at school’s who refuses to keep on his pants at recess soon anyway.
(Or, if we’re being honor bright honest, they’ve probably already seen it online.)
My vote? Keep the peen and add some snatch too. If you hide something from a kid or lie about it enough, it doesn’t protect them – it makes them feel betrayed. And then in a few years, when they learn that Santa hits the bottle after work and the Easter Bunny’s Russell Brand, they’ll remember that feeling of betrayal and seek to recapture that magic betwixt the sheets of some mystical stranger by trying to copy what they saw on ScrewTube. Then you’d all better hope that MTV check pays a lot for capitalizing on babies having babies.
If they’re old enough to use toy time to prep for the next sentient product of you not being able to close your legs, then don’t teach them to be ashamed of what’s between theirs.
Use it as an educational opp, duh.
