You know, I critique my dog’s OCD shitting ritual all the time.

But maybe I have no room to speak. Because, according to science, I and the rest of my culture are (like so many things in our lives) doing it wrong. Unless, of course we have one of those ass-istive emission devices. I recently joked around about making my own toilet for weight loss, but I was reminded today that there does actually exist a potty accessory that can help you up your drop off size, thereby reducing your tummy size. No, it doesn’t overflow when you’ve eaten and expelled too much like my prospectively billion-dollar-earning innovation the EZ-Spill. But what it does do, is change your sedentary angle on the porcelain throne. Why? Because squatting is what humans were designed to do. The poo chute does its doodie duty best when at a bent angle.


#TheMoreYouKnow

In fact, it’s so good at eliminating extra waste, that this one lady claimed the technique helped her lose 10 pounds in one shitting sitting. But how? I mean, crouching for my constitutional doesn’t sound much fun. I’d be too focused on not falling and feeling uncomfortable. That’s the whole reason I use the handicapped stall in public. (Those bars are excellent leverage; let’s take a moment to collectively thank our regrettably impaired friends for making those provisions possible.) Nobody wants to do extra work while they’re already undergoing colonic labor, amIrite?

There’s gotta be another way, hasn’t there?

Indeed. ‘cause aforementioned “I lost 10 pounds” lady did it with a little help from this poop stoop that made a cameo on a Dr. Oz episode I once saw. Her claim? She ate nada but fat, crapped on this plastic version of the hexed hound from Beauty and the Beast, shat two babies worth of unused food, and then won a triathlon.

Interesting.

Looks like this crap amplifying contraption makes some of the refuse manifest informationally as well

And if she’s indeed less than legit with her info, and maybe got paid handsomely to give a testimonial that was scripted, then I suppose the fact that Oz gave it the time of day might be slightly worthier. Not because I trust him as a doctor, but because he offered a DIY shoe in. And anytime somebody says, “This thing is good for you, you don’t have to buy anything, here’s how you can do it at home” I’m willing to listen with at least one of my ears. His advice? Invite a footstool into your fecal release ceremonies. And put your feet on it. And make like Elsa and let it go. That’s it.

Which is great ‘n all… but I’m admittedly still kinda partial to my EZ-Spill idea.

‘cause I feel like XL excrement seshes aren’t what chicks mean by “I need to lose 10 pounds from my ass.”